Sinister: i need a new button for my blouse

[bus stoppers]

alright.  
i know that my last message was happy.
but this one isn't.
what the f*uck is wrong with me.
my emotional stability is not so stable.
it needs to stop or i'm gonna be sick.

so my date with the professor.  
didn't turn out how i wanted, 
though it turned out how i expected it to.  
whatever.

my life feels as though it's up in the air.
and i'm always tired and drained.
a co-worker pointed out the changing of the seasons.
maybe it has something to do with it all?
whenever i am down, i lock myself in the bathroom.
and cut most of my hair off.
i did that last night and for once in 7 years,
it didn't work.
now i have really short hair.
and no smile to show for it.

maybe i just need to vent.
another co-worker has another theory as to why.
why i am not happy.
and why asshole males are so drawn to me.
too many references to star wars to remember,
but i think that the sum of what he's trying to say,
is that it's my parents.
i grew up in a religious home.
very strict and sheltering.
i am a christian, though some might label me
as a liberal one.
this is not good enough for my mom.
actually, 
nothing is ever good enough for that woman.

a few years ago i got kicked out of bible college.
and it was very messy.
i don't think that she has forgiven me yet.
it's sad because what i'm about to say is
not overexagerated.
i have had only a couple of conversations with her
in the past 7 years that didn't end up with
me crying
or her yelling
or me getting defensive
or her putting me down
or me yelling.
sad really.

i don't know why i am not tying in paragraphs.
the screen is even blurry,
though not from tears.
i can't even cry anymore.

what to do?
not talk to my parents.
plus i'm an only child.
but they are the ones pushing me away.
i'm willing to take responsibility for my actions
and i always apologize when i'm at fault.
but expecting them to do the same.
forget about it.

plus i think i'm lonely.
i was driving home from work monday and 
i was listening to the radio 
as the car only has radio capabilities.
the not so great song:
"i love you just the way you are" came on.
i almost lost it and finally cried.
i can't remember the words word for word,
but i think it was something like
he didn't even want witty conversation
because it was too complicated
because all he wanted was someone to talk to.
there was more but i can't think right now.

though i know i am not alone,
i feel alone. 
and the future seems so dim too.
i don't know if it's the social influence
of impending doom of no college degree,
no money and no future that has been 
thrown on my head like hot, smelly ash by the family.
or if it's just me being silly.
and ridiculous.
sometimes i really should stop myself from thinking.
i was going to go back to school in the fall.
and i was excited.
now i feel uncertain.
do i really want to spend the next 4 years of my life
in a classroom when i could be out and about
in the world searching my soul 
that seems to be constantly misplaced.
i have no grounding of any sorts.

alright,
i'm going to stop myself now 
because i could go on...but i won't torture
you loverly sinisters.

love and dry eyes,
sara





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