Sinister: a short piece of theatre for stereolab fans

[Kieran Devaney]

A SHORT PIECE OF THEATRE FOR TWO PLAYERS

(It is a Thursday, after school in Birmingham City Centre. General bustle. 
Enter stage left a boy dressed in winter apparel, he looks scruffy and 
unhurried, gazing absently left and right as he slowly crosses the stage)
(Enter Stage left a young man, also dressed for winter, looking a little 
unsure of himself - his movements are jerky and lack confidence, he too 
continually gazes all about him, but unlike the boy it is with a slightly 
paranoid air, he keeps looking behind him, as if he were being followed. He 
approaches the boy).
MAN: 'Scuse me mate, you couldn't help me could you?
(The boy stares at him, stopping in his tracks)
BOY: Sorry?
MAN: I need some help...
(the boy keeps staring)
BOY: (slowly) Yeah?
MAN: Well you see my car broke down here, and I haven't got any money to buy 
a train ticket to Leicester, and I have to get back there before tonight.
BOY: Oh (he starts to look annoyed) I haven't got any money I could give you 
mate, sorry... (he starts to walk off)
MAN: Well how much have you got?
(the boy stares at him and thinks for a moment)
BOY: Nothing
MAN: Have you got a phone? I have to make a call...
BOY: No. Didn't you come out with any money?
MAN: No... I haven't got any mate, so if you could...
BOY: So you drove all the way from Leicester without any money? Why?
MAN: Er, yeah... (he looks listless and uninterested and starts to walk away 
himself)
BOY: You know... (the man turns back) If you go up to the police station, 
I'm sure they'll be able to help you - it's only down the road. (he grins)
(the man exits stage left)
(the boy exits stage right)

STEREOLAB FANS

Not long before Christmas, I went to see Stereolab play live at the 
Birmingham Academy. I left the house early, because I had to get to the 
cashpoint nearby for some tshirt money, the halifax one, the one thats 
closed at the moment. I left excited, making sure I had my ticket, some 
change for the phone in case I needed to use it (I don't believe in mobiles) 
and my coat and everything. It wasn't till I got on the bus (the #97 from 
Bordesley Green East, the stop just outside the Richmond Pub), that I 
realised I'd forgotten my bus pas. It was too late to go back, if I did that 
I might miss something, and the buses are usually slow into town during 
winter evenings, so I paid with some of the change I was carrying and 
resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't be able to buy either a tshirt 
or the stereolab exclusive tour single (which isn't that good, but everyone 
a sucker for exclusive 7" singles aren't they?), because I keep my halifax 
cashcard inside my bus pass. Damn. But still, I wasn't going to let 
something like that ruin a good gig, so I sat and waited for the bus to get 
into town. The bus was indeed slow and laborious, there was some sort of 
delay right on the outskirts of Town, so that by the time we actually got to 
the last bus stop, it was gone 7:00, and they would be letting people in 
already. I had done a quick scan of the people on the bus, and despite the 
presence of several shady looking characters, I deduced that none of my 
fellow passengers were destined for the gig that night - far more sinister 
pursuits undoubtedly awaited them in town. We all got off, and I started 
walking leisurely towards the Academy, it's probably worth pointing out that 
I was going to the gig completely on my own - while some of my friends have 
quite good musical taste, when it comes to Stereolab they all fall into one 
of two categories, either 'heard of but not heard' or 'not heard of', the 
philistines. But I actually quite like going to gigs on my own - and for 
Stereolab, anything. As I approached the venue, past the halifax I was 
supposed to get tshirt money from, past the McDonalds which was still open, 
patronised by slack-jawed sportswear sporting types, further down, across 
the road etc, I noticed a few people were still queing up outside, I knew it 
was past door opening time, so I assumed they were waiting for other people 
or something. I wandered past them and up to the fetching brown metal doors 
of the academy, which were, oddly, only very slightly open. I glanced back 
at the people in the queue, they were looking at me, but nobody said 
anything. I poked my head around the door to see two of the orange and black 
clad security staff chatting outside the ticket booth,
"Yes?" said the larger of the two, a slightly imposing skinhead type, they 
both looked at me.
"Er, Stereolab are on tonight aren't they?" I said, getting my grammar wrong 
in the fluster.
"Yeah mate, they're still practising so you'll have to wait," said the 
security guard, "shouldn't be long now though." he looked at his watch.
"Ok, thanks" I said bemusedly, and turned back outside. As I walked to the 
back of the tiny queue I glanced at the people in it - why hadn't they told 
me what was going on? I put my hands in my pockets and waited, it was quite 
cold, but not too bad, and I thought that since there were only a few people 
already here, I could easily get a good place near the front. That would 
make up for not getting a tshirt I thought. As I was thinking this a girl 
wandered across the road - from just outside Toys 'R' Us (Can you do 
backwards r's on computers? It isn't on my character map), she was attired 
in a manner befitting to a Stereolab fan, and indeed seemed to be making for 
the gig. My suspicions were confirmed when she walked past me, down the 
queue and towards the doors. I wondered if I should say anything, since she 
was bound to get the same response as I did, but I held back, partly because 
of my own inherent shyness and also because I thought it was a good chance 
for the people ahead of me to do the right thing and tell her. But the 
didn't. So she went up to the door, poked her head round and undoubtedly had 
the same conversation with the skinhead security guard. She glared at us a 
minute or so later as she walked back to take her place behind me in the 
queue and I looked away. About five minutes later the small queue of us were 
let in, and I couldn't help wondering if what had happened was an exclusive 
trait of people in shy bands like Stereolab, or if the incident said 
something about us on a wider scale. I don't know. The gig was fantastic by 
the way, about as good as you imagine Stereolab live being, there was 
dancing and merrymaking for all. I used the last of my change to phone home 
(from the phonebox outside adam's), and ask for a lift back since I didn't 
have enough for the bus. I got home to find that I had missed all but the 
last Hefner John Peel Session song, which was mildly annoying. Though I do 
think, having since heard the whole session, thanks to the wonder of 
techonology that is audiogalaxy.com that the song I did get to hear 'Anne 
and Bill' is the best of the bunch. I have an insatiable desire to leave 
this feeling unfinished and go an pop some bubble wrap. I just know I left 
it lying around here somewhere...

Bye
- Kieran

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