Sinister: "amy, is yr house the one with the kid always twiddling sticks in the front yard?"

[amy.longcore at xxx.com]

all of my conscious life i've been harboring a guilt i can never fathom.
it sinks into my chest and pings and pangs around. sometimes it causes
my brow to wrinkle, or my lips to purse, and often it will bring a sad eye.
more often than not, the subject at hand makes me smile, but
it's always one of those sad far away smiles.

i'm just really realizing today it's made me what i am. it's the reason i
don't
progress. it's why i hold back. why i never get too close too often.
for you see, when you enter my life, you also enter the life of my brother,
dan.

when dan was 3 and i was 6 we were playing in the backyard and woods, like
kids
living out in the boondocks do. there was a ground level window which led
into
my parents basement. under the window was a couch. now remember,
under the window there was a couch. we used to jump into the window,
and land perfectly on the couch in laughter. there was a couch under the
window.
so, when we were done playing outside we used to make our return into the
home
thusly, since there was a couch under the window. my parents never liked us
doing
that. but we did. dan went first this time. i didn't look down and keep him
safe
like a good older sister should. there was no longer a couch under the
window.

dan hit cement. flat. concussion.

but he was always a "normal" kid....

dan spent a lot of time outside by himself as he grew up.
always finding the perfect stick to create adventures with.
he'd search the woods and neighbors yards for hours,
until he could find the stick that would best resemble
any number of star trek or star wars ships.
he created in his mind a database of noises, and blips
and assorted bangs to exclaim as he moved his sticks
through the air, walking aimlessly through our yard.

but it's "normal" to have that sort of imagination as a child...

until dan came in one day explaining, emotionally, that
the monsters in his head were going to kill him.
this got worse.

tests. tests. medications, more tests.
never a specific diagnosis.

dan went to a pre-school program for 2 years before
entering kindergarten at age 6.

oh, of course, school was not good. what public school
has enough time...

when he was 8 years old, doctors basically begged/forced
my parents to have him institutionalized.
they tried it, being told it was for his better.
god, no.
it lasted a couple months.
what hell in that place, poor children given away
to dorm rooms with padding.
parents can't deal, and there isn't enough staff to keep
them all entertained and pleased.
and they mix the crowd.
violent kids in with the soft-hearted.
god, no.

this, of course, had its effects.
dan came home for a weekend visit and called
my mom a "mother fucker" when she asked him
to kindly hand her something.
now, that was not my brother.

medications have warded off his schizophrenia for over
10 years now. here's hoping that keeps up.

they still call him, with good reasoning, autistic.
autistic is to be set in the mind of a child.
it comes in varying forms, as varied as each of our bodies are.
i've known people labeled "autistic" that couldn't speak.
i've known people labeled "autistic" that could add 4, 657 +
6, 945 quicker than you could lick yr lips.

so, why did i tell the basement window story?
because, no matter how often i am told that he
doesn't have a brain injury, that he has genetic
autism, i question it. i will always wonder....

dan is 25 now. he graduated public high school.
on time.
sure, he failed the subjects he wasn't interested
in, but he excelled in the things he could know
and understand. for him, it's all about interest.
you or i could say "i have no interest in such and
such so i don't bother learning....."
his brain will just shut off to it if he has no interest.
and immediately, trust me.

he's never had a friend.
never been kissed.
was violently teased throughout his public education.
it wasn't until his junior year of high school that we
learned how bad the mental and emotional abuse
he was taking from the other kids was.

i still want to hurt so many of them.
when i'd come home to visit, i'd go see
dan during his lunch time.
every damn time i went, i'd end up yelling at
some little punk about the treatment they gave
my brother. and i would always end up in the principals' office.
i never had to go to that office during my entire school career.
but i had some things to say!

the glory of that whole mess is that the majority
of the kids that gave my brother such a hard time
didn't graduate. yet, he did.
he finds comfort in that.

so, this is why i live in the boonies.
why i bought my house in a small town
and settled in.
'cuz once my parents are gone,
i am what dan has left.
my other brother feels this burden as well,
but not like i do.
i know the he'd be "better off" with me.
and so, that's how it shall be.

i still think of moving away again, but never too far.

my mom called me today with a heartbreaking story.
dan can't understand why our other brother, nick,
always comes to my house and such.
he's jealous and misses me.
how can i tell him....
that we smoke pot, that we stay up late and talk about music
and watch movies.
that we are naughty with our friends and do things i would
never want to subject him to.
and why do i feel so guilty?
don't i deserve a little guilt-free fun and adventure?
well, of course.
but i can never find it without a price.

so, when i get out of work soon, i'll
be stopping by my parents house to see if dan
is still awake (he's a nightowl like his sister)
and visit wiff him for a bit.
i've tried "getting him out" more.
it's just so hard.
he loves natalie merchant and sarah maclachlan and such...
so i tried taking him to lillith fair.
oh, god no.
not good.
i was devastated that i couldn't help him to atleast enjoy that.
so, it's best to sit quietly and let him talk about star wars,
fiddling his stick between his fingers while i just love him.

"   :)   "

i trust everyone's holidays went by without too many glitches.
i always wish you all well......

i've been enjoying the folks at #sinister.  i urge you all to come in
and say hello. with that, i want to say a special public thank you
to mr. danny farrell for being a good listening friend. thank you!

ok, i suppose i'd better work, or something.

or something,
amy










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