Sinister: don't go breaking my heart

[Danny Farrell]

Hello my lovelies.

how are we all?the festive period is over now and i'm supposed to be getting 
down to some studying,but i'm not.so there.i hope hangovers are not too 
serious and drunken mistakes were not so huge a mistake.anyway

On friday me and alan went on the pull with two friends,respective girls 
need not worry though we are very much enchanted by them,the pulling we done 
was on behalf the two friends.ryan friend was recently broken hearted and 
thought it was time to get back into the game but was still unsure,other 
friend just suffers from chronic shyness .ryan friend needed only a little 
encouragement.other friend though needed a step by step guide.it was odd 
because i hate 'the pull' and alan does too.it's something i refuse to 
do,yet here we were doing it for one of our friends. not quite sitting down 
and saying

"hey we're danny and alan,you won't be sticking your tongues down our 
throats tonight because we're ecstatically content with our current 
situation in relational status but hey,you like our boys,you want them to 
buy you drinks,dance with you et al.?"

but,it sure did feel like that at some points.alan having to get up and 
dance to get other friends arse of the seat and then needing to stand behind 
him to make sure he didn't sit down.saying you know friend,a girl dancing 
with you and holding your hand and gazing at you means she IS interested.

anyway,there will be no repeat performances of that,ever.

i am confused.

this post may be a little self indulgent,so.indulge me.or don't,i'll 
understand.

i usually start my sini posts in my computing lab at uni,however i'm off so 
instead this is solely done from my house,with cocoa,and without sleep for 
over well 38 hours now i think.mostly however i wish my lab were sitting on 
me.must be better than the weight of...nah,i can't be melodramatic even if i 
try.however my lab sitting on me must be a whole lot better than my 
insecurities and the problems of my friends resting on me.yes infinetely 
better indeed.

yes my insecurities.friend girl is stalking me again,it got me thinking.

i remember once i posted about how i never hide my emotions,and i don't,but 
i guess it's more than that,i lack emotional barriers.not i don't have 
any,but i have less emotional padding or dampener than most people. and when 
i'm going to be in a relationship,or aiming for a relationship or such,i let 
them know this.and they go oh danny i know you're so sensitive and kind and 
different.and it's true,the inability to hide emotions and the lessened 
padding does help me to be a lot more sensitive and i guess it's something 
that draws people to me.

BUT.

when they realise this i always tell them over and over,but the lack of this 
thing,the emotional barriers,the padding whatever you want to call it that i 
have less of.it does lead to my best qualities but it doesn't make me 
better,because it has a bad side too.i get really upset easily and depressed 
easily.a teasing take the wrong way reducing me to tears,and i know i 
shouldn't but i just can't do anything about it at all as much as i try,i 
can't stop feeling the sadness,even though i know it's just a joke i still 
get hurt. a meaningless argument leaving me so sad i'm unable to speak when 
i should recover the next morning.and i warn them all of this,every single 
person i ever date or even prospectively date,i warn them over and over and 
over.

they say but danny it's okay,i know you're sensitive it's what i love about 
you,and i try to explain that,what i wrote above and they dismiss it.

and then when they finally get an example they invariably run,they run 
away,i'm not hardened enough for them,i'm an idiot,maybe even childish. the 
thing that they love so much about me is also what makes them run away even 
after i've warned them again and again about the bad side to this character 
trait.

and now. Now the person i consider the most beautiful girl in the whole 
world,she wants me.and she has my heart.and tells me i have hers.and so i 
should be happy.and.

i am happy,happier than i have ever been in my whole life,and that doesn't 
even do my newfound happiness justice,it's the equivalent of a homeless 
person winning the lottery and saying "hey i have a little more money than i 
did yesterday".so yes i am infinetely more happy.

but.i'm scared,more scared than i have ever been before. because of 
this,because this time i have so much to lose,because the person is the most 
astonishing person in the whole world to me and not,like now because it's 
her i want.just ever,i have never known anyone to be quite like her and she 
is unique in ways that can bring me to tears.so i'm scared in case there is 
a repeat performance of my whole life.

that she'll drop me straight away.as soon as she see's the bad  side,even 
though as usual i've warned again and again about the terrible flaws in a 
very open emotional state,i'm worried when she get's her first example she 
will run,like they all do.

i guess however that it's a chance i've got to take for every stupid thing i 
say or do.

but i have my newfound hope,and i hope, and i do believe, that she will 
understand the bad side to the things she loves me for and that she will 
accept them.but still i am very scared.

boys can get their hearts broken to.

love,huggles and beautiful confusion.

always your danny xxx






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