Sinister: Men Seldom Make Passes At Girls Who Fall On Their Asses

[Laura Llew]

"Well, I'll be damned. (If I'm lucky.) I turn my head for nary a second and 
if the list hasn't been overtaken by knasty knitters."

To all of those who incessantly remark about how horrible my puns are: Why 
was I not sent a Thank You note for not beginning that rant (of almost a 
year passed) with a hearty, "Well, I'll be darned!"?
You only have yourselves to blame.

CHRISTMAS:
I would be remiss if I didn't send out huge appreciatory thanks* to everyone 
who participated in the Sinister Christmas Present Exchange Extravaganza 
2001. We had over fifty people participate and lots of wonderful people like 
Brandt Fundak who volunteered to send out eleven (ACE) mixtapes without 
wanting anything in return. If anyone hasn't gotten their present yet or 
wants to apologize for being late (instead of ultimately sorry) then let me 
know so I can whip out those Brass knuckles of mine I got for Christmas. I 
need to break them in sometime.

NEW YEARS:
Last year, I was driving to work one day late in December and *oops* forgot 
to turn off to go to the bookstore. Instead, I ended up on a roadtrip to New 
Orleans thinking, "Big city, small town girl, New Years - maybe I'll get 
taken advantage of." Unfortunately, it didn't happen. This year I ended up 
on a roadtrip with none other than Miss "Dorothy Parker Makes Me Want To 
Drink Bathtub Gin, Have A Bad Love Affair, And Attempt Suicide" Katy who you 
might remember from such dialogues as:

Me: Ah, looking at Porn?
MDPMMWTDBGHABLAAASKT: Yeah, Laura, at a Civil War site. Nothing beats 
General Lee naked.
Me: Well, his horse was named Traveler.

or such claims as:

"I'm light & refreshing. Today, *I'll* be your diet coke!"

We ended up at her little hippie commune in Masschoweveryouspellit where she 
moonlights as a milkmaid. It was quite the experience as I got to overhear 
lots of things like, "Boy! I can feel those toxins!" and "See that boy over 
there? He graduate from Cornell with a degree in Engineering but now he's 
here and working on becoming a message therapist." and - from a girl 
contorted like a pretzel doing yoga - "I need some cranial work done badly."
Sweetheart, do you ever.

Oh the fun never ended! I took to naming the hippies like smurfs. Instead of 
Papa Smurf, there was Mama Hippie and even a Huggie Hippie who invited me to 
stay and read for poetry night. I also spent a night at a FISH HATCHERY in a 
national forest which was also a first. Plus,I went crazy with my IZONE 
(christmas present thanks to Daveylicious!) and took lots of pictures of my 
obsessions (1.bookshops: There was the one in the old Grist Mill in 
Farmington ConneticuohlikeIcanspellthisoneeither and then the Andover 
Bookstore which is the second oldest bookshop in the country and in a former 
barn. Oh it has the most beautiful brick fireplace in the middle of the 
store. *swoon* 2. Cute chubbylicious awkward dark haired boys: There were 
none.)

AVARICE & GREED:
Hubris said, "Hello." Or at least I'm hypothesizing that a hello to 
something sinister was the only thing that noise he made could be. If you're 
at all familiar with my posts (then you're familiar with the effects of 
chloroform. Sweet Dreams!), then you're probably bracing yourself for tales 
of Hubris stalling, overheating (I don't mind when friends smoke but when my 
car takes up the habit it gets personal), or opening his hood and devouring 
a small gaggle of annoying children. If you're not familiar with my posts, 
then let me introduce you to my car -nay my chariot, my steed, my knight in 
shining armour all - Hubris, whose motto is, "Laura, have you ever thought 
of public transportation or at least higher insurance rates?"  We've been 
together for years now and very happy, except for the short time when he 
wouldn't talk to me after a boulder fell on him on a drive through Colorado. 
As if I *willed* it to happen or something.

Well, now let me introduce you to Avarice - Av'ry for short. She's very prim 
and proper. And a bit like Kit in the fact that she has one of those CLICKY 
keys where from across a crowded parking lot i can just push the button to 
lock, unlock, beep the horn, pop the trunk, or run down the old lady who cut 
me off in traffic earlier. As they sit beside each other at night, Av'ry and 
Hubris pass notes to each other swapping strategies on how to best strand me 
in a moment of need.

It's past 5:30 am and I have to be out the door for work in about an  hour 
for my trek up an icy mountain road. I really shouldn't be torturing y'all 
for my bouts of insomnia but I'm all about sharing the love. (See! I did 
learn something from the hippies!)

Forever yours,
(or until supplies last)

Laura
"meeting all those Laura Llew needs since 1977"

PS - Billzebub, I'm home safely :)
PPS - Willzebub, I hope the date went well. I completely disapprove of 
Sexpot Sauer's statement of, "It's not a date if there's no snogging." No 
cute boys should be encouraged to be kissing if I'm not involved.
PPPS - Oh I met up with another sinisterine and we went bowling too (see as 
I desperately try to seem like a cool kid). However, we're much less cut 
throat here. I won a game, he won a game, and then we moved on to plundering 
through old bookshops and record stores with glee.
PPPPS - Maddie, I just read your post and your proposal. Now normally I 
don't consider any marriage proposal that doesn't at the *very least* 
involve fire, leatherclad midgets, and a mariachi band. However for a hot 
lesbian - poetry obsessed -  salacious commenting filled - girl such as 
yourself I'm willing to at least spend one reckless night in Tijuana with 
you. I'm free next Sunday.
PPPPPS - There was not even a reason to try and spell check this sucker

*Also thanks to my own personal santas - Danny, Paul, Dahling, Billzebub, 
Jayward, Daveylicious, Brandt, Maddie, and someone else whose my forgetting 
will make me wake up in a start whenever I do eventually fall asleep. Y'all 
completely made my Christmas for which I was mostly unconscious for anyway. 
I must have gotten a blanket and a sweater as presents because I ended up 
under the former and using the latter as a pillow as I somehow fell asleep 
underneath the Christmas tree. Fortunately, no one mistook me for their 
present. (What you didn't asked for an exhausted clutzy absentminded girl 
this year? What is your problem?)

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