Sinister: Come out of the whatsit, and into the sunshine. Or snow. Or whatever.

[Will Salt]

This probably counts as list abuse to some people, but it's no worse 
than what other people do.  It *is* one of those awful confessional 
posts, in case you always like to skip those.

I have this terrible desire to be honest.  I don't want to feel that 
I'm hiding things from you.  There's been something on my mind for the 
past few months, and I've often referred to it in my posts -- but never 
directly.  I've been thinking about it more and more, and I've decided 
that the only way I'm going to move on in life (bah! cliche!) is if I 
deal with this head-on.  So, instead of putting little in-jokes in 
every post I write, or writing obliquely about what I want, I'm just 
going to be honest and tell you all.

(A few of you -- well, at least one -- did see the little things in my 
previous posts and work out what I am like.  More of you replied to my 
posts, and I ended up telling some of them what I was talking about 
anyway.  But that's besides the point.)

Ever since I can first remember looking at myself and thinking about 
what I look like, I've been unhappy with it.  I know I look pale and 
skinny, but it's not that.  I have learned to *like* being slim, and 
I'm used to my skin switching instantly from "milky-white" to 
"sunburnt".  The real problem is -- well, a bigger problem than that.  
In short (with a deep breath):

I am transsexual.  I want to have a female body.

I have known this at the back of my mind somewhere since I first became 
aware that the difference bewteen boys and girls was *important*, but 
for a long time I kept it hidden away.  It was something that made me 
feel guilty, and that I had to keep hidden from people.  I hated buying 
clothes, but I would keep some hidden at the back of my wardrobe 
terrified that my girlfriend would find them.  Before then, when I was 
a teenager, I would sneak into my mother's bedroom when my parents were 
out and try on her clothes.  She probably knows this very well, but 
I've never dared mention it to her.  Occasionally, when she is talking 
about children with her friends, she says things like "I wish I'd had a 
daughter too," and my heart squeezes.

It's snowing outside, but fine dry flakes, not the big fat ones that 
settle fast.

About nine months ago, I told someone for the first time, this secret 
that I'd kept all my life.  It felt good, that my friends were 
beginning to know who I really am for the first time.  The problem with 
this is that it made me want to go further, until I am completely open 
about my life.  But being open about my life makes me happier, and 
having to hide things is hard.  Having to remember which friends I can 
talk openly to and which I can't is hard, too.  Telling people is 
good.  I can't afford to go to a counsellor, I daren't go to a doctor, 
and so telling my friends is the only way to start to accept myself.

Since I have told people what I want to be, I've been able to accept it 
myself much more.  A couple of years ago, this was a guilty secret I 
hid at the back of a cupboard.  Now, I know that this is who I am, and 
I'm prepared to accept that.  I've reached the point where I'm able to 
consider being completely open.  I can even contemplate telling my 
parents.  I can *even* contemplate going all the way.  Telling you lot 
all this is another step along that path.  Sorry to use you for my own 
therapy.

The snow is getting thick.  After I finish writing this, I'm going to 
go for a walk down some quiet suburban street where it will still be 
lying pristine and noone will have touched it.

If you meet me at a picnic, and I'm wearing nail varnish or I have my 
hair in pigtails, you know why it is.  If I'm wearing makeup, you know 
why it is.  If I get drunk and start referring to myself as a girl, 
that's because that's what's written in my brain somewhere.  Don't take 
photographs, because I don't look like this on the inside.  Just give 
me a smile, and try to accept me.  When you next meet me, you'll know 
who I really am.



love
xx
gneissy



-- 
ICQ 66321009
http://www.btinternet.com/~wpsalt/
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+
        +---+  Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list  +---+
     To send to the list mail sinister at missprint.org. To unsubscribe
     send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to
     majordomo at missprint.org.  WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister
 +-+       "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper           +-+
 +-+  "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+
 +-+    "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000     +-+
 +-+  "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000  +-+
 +-+  "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001   +-+
 +-+               Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa                 +-+
 +-+               Snipp snapp snut, sa var sagan slut!                +-+
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+