Sinister: i once had a girl or should i say she once had me

[Danny Farrell]

hello my lovelies,

it's been a wee while,not too long i hope.

Miss scrumptiousamyapplejacksyummypiefriend is organising an american meet 
up.she's absolutely adorable you know,everyone should go,everyone on the 
whole planet.well planet sinister anyway.sometimes i wished i lived on 
planet sinister,but then i remember.i don't.

i live in a small town where individuality is slowly drained out of children 
so they turn into mindless thugs, 'neds' if you will.If this was a movie 
they'd be breeding them as some sort of mindless army,a secret plan by 
richard branson to take over the world,breed these 'ned warriors' in slum 
towns all over scotland then let then gather them together with a crate of 
buckfast,bring out their xenophobia by saying "you poofs,the english could 
well kick your ass" then get them drunk and let them loose.It's not a movie 
though,there's no reason for the children to grow up like that,so apathetic 
and violent and insensitive but,they do.

I want to come to the u.s picnic,i NEED a holiday.i can't though,so i won't 
write a post bitching about it,i'll bitch about love instead,why change a 
'winning' formula?

there's too much love to go around these days.

not quite true,but there's too much happening.much too much,for me.i'm a 
wallflower.i read that,the wonderful WONDERFUL miss lleweff gave me it and 
it's just amazing,i've read it three times already and i've cried each 
time,but i always return, because of charlie.he reminds me.of someone.

Yes anyway,i'm alone again and now,there's girls again.a girl i never 
thought i could have and wasn't allowed to anyway because she's in my 
friends band,apparently the rules have been relaxed because apparently she 
likes me and i really liked her before,before.just before. Apparently she 
doesn't stay single long though so i have to 'snap her up' which really 
bothers me and then theres the girl,there's always the girl and apparently 
she's changed and theres always the feeling with her.there always will be i 
guess and so much history.sometimes history is better than excitement or 
'newness'.History is comforting and soothing,so apparently i need to get 
into gear or something and make a choice soon.

but

i can't,i'm not like some people i can't move seamlessly from relationship 
to relationship.it's not me,girl after girl after girl.The actual girl isn't 
important,just the fact that i'm not alone,splitting up with someone then a 
few days later moving onto someone else,doing it so regularly that my 
friends have to keep name-checking -
friend -"oh you broke up with julia?"
me - "get with the program julia was so three weeks ago,god i've dated 
another two girls since then"
It's not like any of them matter,i just want one to stay there long enough 
so i can project the image of the perfect girl onto her,she just needs to be 
a little smart and a little sensitive and my brain can do the rest.If i 
think she's the perfect girl then to me she is,as long as i put up barriers 
to stop anything changing my image that she's the perfect girl then 
everything will be fine right?

it's just not me. I can't do that,i don't want to be alone,loneliness 
cripples me, and i do want the perfect girl i guess,who doesn't.there isn't 
a perfect girl but,i think,there's a girl who's perfect for me and that 
doesn't mean everything will be all roses and love because love isn't.but. 
it means there's a girl who's just right for me,who complements me better 
than anyone else could,who looks at me as me,not as some man who they add 
their own attributes too.and i'd do the same in return.maybe i'm just 
dramtic.

so apparently i need to make a choice because theres two girls who may be 
just right for me who for reasons unkown to me don't stay single for a long 
time at all but i've been hurt too much i can't just bounce from one 
relationship to the next and

mostly.

i just want to rest. people are coming and going,and going out and coming 
out and returning and leaving and dragging me here or there and back 
again.it's all too hectic for someone who is a self admitted slightly 
reclusive boy who can't process everything that's happening because my brain 
is frazzled at the moment.Life seems to be quickening at an exponential rate 
and i just want to crawl away from it and sleep,but i can't.sleep.

so now,i wait.for something i'm not sure of yet. all i know is that after 
recent events i'm a little more cynical,a lot more lonely,but maybe,just 
maybe a little stronger and wiser too.

and in the end i'm what i always was: a little boy with an almost phobic 
fear of rejection and being alone who is floundering and lost.

but

i am me,and it doesn't matter who misunderstands my character or disbelieves 
me.i'm me,it's all i could possibly be,regardless of whether or not i want 
to be.sometimes i wish i could stop caring but i'm too caring to stop.

It's going to get better,apparently it's getting better all the time.

always

your little dannypie xxx






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