Sinister: how to be a HIPSTER in five easy steps

[Danny Farrell]

hi everybody,

I'm dr nick. Actually i'm not, i'm danny but that's how dr nick introduces 
himself in the simpsons which leads me nicely onto my first lesson.

1. QUOTING CULT OR LITTLE KNOWN TV SHOWS OR MOVIES = COOL

It is very important to build a good base of solid dependable quotes that 
can be adapted for almost any situation, the simpsons being one of the best 
places to get quotable material as it's quite popular but it's also a little 
"kitsch". If anything is ever described as "kitsch" then any content within 
should be remembered and quoted frequently as you will be awarded extra 
hipster points for this. One must remember not to quote over frequently or 
people will think you're just blah and don't do anything other than quote. 
Remember to quote from cult/little known shows that other hipsters will know 
about, a little known botany show is not a good place to obtain quotes from.

2. THE HOLY TRINITY OF HIPSTERDOM - PASSÉ, GAUCHE, KITSCH

in the dictionary these definitions are put forward:

passé  - past it's best, outdated
gauche - socially inept, graceless, tactless
kitsch - art, literature, regarded as pretentious or in poor taste

in hipster terms passé and gauche retain some of their original meaning and 
kitsch is changed almost entirely. An activity is pass%e9 if it is something 
once interesting to hipsters but is now out of fashion.
The next step on from this is gaucheness, something is gauche if it is 
pass%e9 to the point of cringeworthiness. An affectation for destiny's child 
is now passé. It was once cool to like destiny's child as part of some 
outreach program to pretend hipster is not a musical snob, now however 
liking destiny's child is passé. It's outdated.

Gaucheness however is far more serious, this could be liking movies for 
'ironical' reasons, it's just so bad it's good a lá the early gen X 
movement. "Oh i know it's terrible but it's just so funny to watch, let's 
play a game of spot the hollywood cliché." This is now gauche beyond words, 
liking something because it's so bad it's good could lead to the hipster 
learner being hung drawn, and perhaps even eighthed.

Kitsch on the other hand, i'm sure, had some meaning in hipster circles 
before, now it's just used to describe anything that's good although humour 
is usually involved. If anything is described as kitsch take note and 
remember never ever to make disparaging remarks about said kitsch activity. 
Things that are kitsch can quickly become passé though and this must be 
watched out for. Musicals used to break kitsch barriers, but now in a move 
away from irony towards populism musicals are now gauche. GREASE! in the 
year 2002. Puh-lease.

3 POPULISM IS THE NEW IRONY

Previously as mentioned above, liking something for ironical reasons was 
cool as eff. It's so bad it's good was the motto heralded by the hipsters. 
Now however there is a move towards populism as irony becomes more and more 
passé and is now in fact gauche as eff. However as irony became more and 
more frowned upon a new system of dealing with mainstream culture appeared 
known as populism. Rather than liking something because "it's so bad it's 
good" hipsters now like movies, show's etc. in mainstream culture simply 
because they're good.

Previously big brother was terrible, it's dreadful but the hipsters watched 
because it was just so bad it was good, it was funny. Now however there is 
no irony pretense, it's simply good. There is a catch with populism though, 
big brother is not simply liked in the way that the prole's like it. With 
populism comes the belief that the hipster can appreciate things on another 
level and have a discourse regarding things on this other level. The hipster 
watches big brother and detests every contestant and then analyse the 
characters and show on a level undreamed of by their un-educated, un-cool 
brethren. This is populism, and populism is IN.

4. FAKING POIGNANCY

All hipsters must write, this is such a given that it isn't even a lesson, 
however there is a lesson and it is this: the hipster must always try to be 
poignant, beautiful. Their words should be transcendental. The hipster can 
keep a journal, a diary, they could work on a collection of short stories or 
poems but still they must always strive towards poignancy. Faking poignancy 
is therefore a very practiced art within hipster communities and goes 
something like this:

take any sentence at all, turn it backwards, repeat it again slightly 
differently or describe it:

I was walking down the road, the road i'd walked down a hundred times 
before. Ah such a road.

Here simply walking down a road has been turned into the beginning of a 
poignant piece, what comes next is your choice, just remember to keep it 
poignant:

I walked to the pier and sat. As i sat on the pier a thought entered my mind 
as i watched the waves. The waves crashed tempestuously against the rocks, 
crashing, tumbling, crashing, forever stuck in their pattern, never getting 
anywhere. Stuck, just like me.

Always remember to describe things in great detail and always turn to nature 
or BIG things for descriptive comparisons or for describing your mood. Also 
any story can be started with a paragraph or two about the weather. For 
example when talking about a day you bought a loaf of bread, the hipster may 
start like this:

I stared up at the sun, it's warmth making me feel comfortable, safe. The 
feel of the sun, it's warmth, it's brightness, took me back. It took me back 
to that day in 1996, i felt myself slip away as the memory of that day 
overcame me.

5. REMEMBER ALL THIS IS LIABLE TO CHANGE IN TWO-THREE WEEKS TIME

***********************************************************************

I was in a car crash the other day, except it wasn't really a crash,just an 
emergency stop,but still. It was close. It was my fault too, i really 
shouldn't be allowed to drive,my mind works too fast and it also shoots off 
in a hundred different directions at once. It's why i can't sleep and it's 
also why holding concentration whilst driving for any length of time is 
difficult.

Anyway maybe it was some sort of life-changing experience or something. I 
went for a picnic afterwards, it was alan's birthday. i organised it.

and during it, i sat on the pier looking out at the waves, thinking. The 
waves crashed tempestuously against the rocks, crashing, tumbling, crashing, 
forever stuck in their pattern, never getting anywhere. Stuck, just like me.

I thought: what's the meaning? the purpose? of anything, of waking up and 
getting out of bed? does anything have meaning?

well. does it?

Dannypie xxx







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