Sinister: princess whiny bitch

[bus stoppers]

good morning candyland,

who's sleepy?
raise your hands...
ooo! ooo! pick me!

okay.
i'll stop now.

the other day at work, i was slapped in the face with such a
reality.  i cried.  but the thing is is that i already knew this
thing to be true, but alas, realized at the same time my denial.
 double slap.

players:

sara-sad girl accepting realities she is in denial about
frances-wishy washy girl stuck in the middle, but choosing sides
jill-mean girl who hates sara
steve-jill's b.f. and sara's supervisor

story in a nut sack:

sara and frances are friends.  jill and steve and frances are
friends.  sara and jill think each other are the b-word.  steve
busts sara's balls at work for no reason.  steve and jill told
frances sara was trying to use her.  frances and jill and steve
are the "cool kids" and sara is a pocket protector*.  when
frances and sara hang out, frances is nice.  when they are all
at work, frances ignores sara.  sara started ignoring frances. 
jill told a manager that i tried to hit her with my
car**....ect....

basically:

stupid drama bullshit.

*pocket protectors CAN be useful, just try it.

**jill cut sara off.  if sara had one of those hourglass
necklaces in harry potter, she would have hit jill with her
grandpa's car.

to quote a wonderful friend of mine:

"i'm going to kick you in the cunt if you don't stop being mean
to sara.  word up!" 

isn't that beautiful?  WORD UP!

i think that i finally realized that as much as i try to be
"cool", it's just not going to happen unless i give in and act
like an asshole.  WHY! do i try to fit in a groove that i'm
obviously not fit for!?  i probably shouldn't have cried, but i
hate that constant tug of not wanting to trust anyone anymore. 
than what would be the point of existing in this forsaken world
if i couldn't have friends, right?  i'm babbling, but i'm sad so
i don't care.  

i was leaving campus yesterday afternoon listening to the good
life in my headphones (the beaten path) while i walked on the
grassy patches that make a pattern with the gum-marked cement
walkways.  walking on grass has become one of my most favorite
things ever!  i can't really explain that either, but try it. 
anyway, there were little youngin's on the grass, i think on
some summer activities thing, playing red rover red rover. 
remember that shit?  i failed p.e. in 2nd grade because i didn't
want to play any of the races or games.  competitiveness scares
me!  i faked stomach aches.  got an f on the report card because
i sat on the sidelines 5 days a week.

i stopped and watched them a bit.  there were older kids and
younger kids playing together and the little tiny kids were so
cute.  swinging their arms and chanting send so-and-so
over...well...there was this one girl.  she yells, call for
someone WEAK so we can win.  who the fuck is that bitch going to
turn out to be?  i wanted to go pinch her damn ear because sure
enough, they call the tiniest boy from the other team who gets
fucking neck slammed and almost falls on his ass.  yeah!  whoo! 
the bitch screams.  

i can't really think of a way to put it all together, but
somehow it does.  i think.  

i'm okay with not being accepted.  i used to take it personally,
but fuck it.  right?    it's just when i feel...i don't think
betrayed is the right word...um...abandoned...?  maybe i should
have a copy of a disclaimer with me at all times.  

"if i plan on acting like a friend, then i am a friend.  if i
don't like you, i will not go on under false pretenses.  i'll
simply leave you alone.  i promise."

please sign on the dotted line.
right next to the X.

the word of my emotion is disappointed.  maybe?  

here's to not having any expectations,
love sara

p.s...i'm sorry i had to get all that out.  

p.p.s...on a happier note!
      when i checked my e-mail today, i had one of those e-mails
that isn't spam, but somehow i don't know how i got it kind. 
anyway, this was the subject line: FORANOTHERDREAM, ENLARGE YOUR
PENIS TODAY!  GIVE YOUR WOMAN MORE PLEASURE!
      i'm NOT kidding.  no.  i don't have penis.  now.  if it
had been: FORANOTHERDREAM, ENLARGE YOUR BREASTS TODAY!  JUST FOR
THE HECK OF WIDE-EYED SIDE GLANCES!  i wouldn't have clicked to
get off their wonderful e-mail list.


=====
all the people'd stare as if we were both quite insane

someday my name and his are going to be the same

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