Sinister: Customers Are Taking Too Many Free Napkins

[Caitlin Pigtails]

Sometimes, you just sit and stare at your screen and you don't know 
what to type.  You don't know what you should do, and you end up 
looking for distraction.

I'm not talking about posting to Sinister.  I'm talking about work.  I 
fluked my way into a small job at a small company -- called S&M Ltd -- 
and I have no idea how to do it.  I impressed the boss at first by 
whipping up a couple of programs on demand, and fixing a few problems 
that had been puzzling him for months.  But now that's over I have to 
get into the real work, and I'm stuck.  I just don't have any clue.  
The code I'm supposed to be editing is just one big hairball of 6437592 
different files with no manuals or instructions, and I'm out of my 
depth and drowning.

For fuck's sake, all it does is sell insect repellent.  Over the Shiny 
New Interweb.  Oh, and bagpipes.  And jewellery.  And scale models of 
distillery equipment.

As it happens, though, I'm on holiday at the moment.  The boss wanted 
to go away for the weekend (to go to a party and pester TV producers 
with game show proposals), so S&M Ltd has shut down for a few days.  I 
hope none of the computers fall over whilst I'm gone.  I have to keep 
logging in every few minutes to check the site is still online, the 
mail server isn't overflowing, and orders for insect-repellant aren't 
disappearing into hyperspace.

When I get home I'm dog-tired.  I sit in bed and can't sleep, because 
too many things are on my mind.  When I'm at work I sit pretending to 
work and looking out at the hills and the garden, and I dream of 
things.  I know I've not been at my best lately, because I've been 
dreaming of the ocean again.  I dream of going to a beautiful beach up 
in the north-west somewhere, looking out into the Atlantic.  I dream of 
getting into the water and starting to swim, aiming for the horizon, 
heading west and swimming until I pass over the edge of this world and 
into the next one.

I know none of you reading this actually think I'd ever do it.  None of 
you think I'm being serious.  At night, though, or in the office, I 
think I'm serious.  There's nothing to stop me.  I have no family, not 
that I still see.  Noone would care if I left.  Noone would notice.  I 
*am* going to do it eventually; it just might take time.

See, you think you have friends who will support you, you think they're 
one of your best friends, but one day you turn round and you realise 
that for months they've been telling you that they don't care any 
more.  They've been telling you for months and you were just too dumb 
to realise.  When it gets to that point, you may as well start swimming.

The Isle of Avalon lies somewhere out in the western ocean.  The 
mythical apple-orchard of paradise.  I want to try and find it.



love
love
love
caitlin






-- 
"When life gives us lemons, we just sit there and sulk about it, in the
  corner of the room, in a fetal position."
         - Matthew Henderson, on the Sinister mailing list.
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