Sinister: How things came to be...

[idleberry]

I've been feeling pretty empty of things to write to
Sinister recently.
There have been little things I've thought of,
noticed, and mentally noted.
But all motivation and inspiration disappears when I
sit down at my laptop.
I start sentences, and then they sort of trail off,
and I don't quite know how to end them or where it
will lead.

I've been quite busy recently, sitting at computers
all day long and the like. At work, I'm busy writing
and preparing things. I have little projects
on the go at work. I've finished one paper, and now
I'm moving onto paper number two. The first, was a
Guide for MSPs (Manic Scottish Politicians).
The second is about record keeping and more
importantly, record disposal.
"Keep original copies and dispose of duplications:
Keep original 
Tigermilk;
get rid of OCS and other Paul Weller duplicates".
 See work can be fun.

At home, I've updated my personal web site. I've
removed a lot of the nonsense. It was an experiment
when I set it up. Wanting a web site, but needing
something to put on it. So I just put anything that
came to mind.
Learning how to use different programs. Teaching
myself HTML tricks. But most importantly, for any
would-be web site designer, the art, and value of
cut and paste.

Now I've got rid of a lot of things. The cheesy, retro
"so naff its cool" animations. And I've stuck some
interviews up there; taken from the fanzine
I used to edit Point of Isolation. There's still some
which need to be transferred there, but I've lost the
electronic copies, so it will be a laborious, hangover
day job of typing them up again from the paper copies.
Go and have a look if you want something for free that
I used to charge people for (or give away, depending
on alcohol levels). There's an interview with the boss
of B+S ex-label, Mark Jones. There's a Jeff Mueller 
interview. Lift to Experience, and others. I think,
most of all though, the bit that people seem to
respond to most of all, is the wee online art room.
Especially as you can get lots of people in there at
the same time, that's quite good fun.
http://www.geocities.com/idleberry

I lost my specs today. I can't tell you how naked I'm
feeling right now without them. Its an alien
experience to be working without them. not quite x
files, more "what files?? I don't see any files"

*************

I was looking through my inbox today, and came across
the first e mail I got in it.
i set this e mail account up, when i fancied this boy
you see.
I was living in norway at the time, it was the start
of 1999.
Every day, on the bus, I would see this bloke, who was
gorgeous. I liked the cut of his hat, and the look in
his eye. He wore flares, for crying out loud.
Therefore, he must be fanciable. He had dark hair, and
he wore a blue jacket with a green felt hat. 

 But every day, I saw him with a different girl on the
bus. And then, somehow, I found out he lived down
stairs from me. I was too shy to talk to him. But I
did my research- which could techincally constitute
stalking, but i like to think it was research- and
found out his name.
I'd see him at the bus stop, and I would get the same
bus as him. I wanted to talk to him, but I was too
shy. So instead, i'd catch a glimpse of him, and be
happy all day long. It was a sad existence, but i was
very lonely in norway I'd wonder what his voice
sounded like, and I wondered, if amidst all that
pouting, he'd ever smile, and what sort of smile he
might have.

Anyway, Valentines day was approaching. And i thought
to myself, heck, it can't hurt to send him a card. But
how would I find out what he thought of it, if it was
anonymous?
So I wrote the card, and put this e mail address
inside. I set up this e mail account especially.
People knew my regular e mail account addresses, so I
knew I had to think up something new. Something nobody
else would know. 
Then I remembered a letter I had written to a pal.

My pal, a bloke called Chris, and have known since I
was 17.
He went to school with Roddy Woomble of idlewild, and
used to drag me along to their gigs, at the cas rock
in edinburgh, before it became another theme pub.
Back in their fierce panda days. Later, when we went
to T In The Park one year, Roddy refused to sign Chris
an autograph at the signing tent,claiming he saw him
all the time anyway. Chris disagreed. "You're always
on tour or whatever". So Roddy signed the autograph,
but addressed it to Chris' mum.

And I wrote this letter to chris, one cold january
evening, and I asked
"Hows my favourite idleberry then?" with a reference
to his unconditional fan-ness for the band. 
idlewild. wild berry. idleberry. it just appeared, in
my writing of the letter. And it sort of stuck in my
mind afterwards.

so i thought, that'd do. I'd use the nick "idleberry"
and I set up this email account.
and i sent my valentines card to this guy. Valentines
day was on a saturday that year. I couldn't wait for
Monday morning, when I could go into uni and check my
e mails.
But Monday morning, glued to my new e mail account
inbox, and nothing appeared.
So off I went home, slightly disappointed, and more so
cos I didn't see the cute boy on the bus.
And then Tuesday. I sat around on the internet,
browsing chat rooms, and checking my inbox everyfive
minutes.
 I had to go and work in this underground cafe I had a
volunatary job at the university, called Kafe Bodega.
I got to serve proper filter coffee, with fresh made
waffles and jam, and all the teas you could imagine-
proper tea leaves, and tea strainers- from earl grey
to cactus tea. The tables were identical, little and
round with tea lights and a small centre piece table
cloth, and it was lit with wall mounted lamps, and the
walls were painted in deep vampy red. Sometimes they;d
show a film, an obscure, independent film there. Like
maybe a film about snowboarding. It was a great place
to met people, and everyone was really chatty, except
me, cos I was too shy. And you could pick up board
games and play backgammon or chess or draughts.
And i got all the waffles I could eat, for working
there. That was dinner sorted out for Tuesday every
week.

Wednesday, no sign of any emails.
By Friday, I had resigned myself, with a heavy heart,
he'd probably scoffed at it, and thrown it away. He'd
probably thought it was a joke, or something too
soppy, and girlie, and commercial, and whatever else
might go through the mind of a man. 
Still, only I knew it was from me. Although I couldn't
help, but feel a slight thought, if he knew it would
be from me. maybe.
The following Monday, I went to uni, and checked the e
mail account.
And there was his email.

"Hei framtidige e-post venn?

Et valertinerkort jeg av deg fikk
Konvolutten var fylt av mystikk
(osv.) :)

Hvem er du?"

It reads:

"hello future e-mail friend?
A valentine card i found from you
the envelope was full of mystery
(etc.) :)

who are you?"


of course, it actually ryhmes, in norwegian, but not
in english.


So, in an excited panic, i thought of my reply.
i asked a friend to check it for me.
I wanted to tell him I was too shy to speak to him,
and that I'd seen him, and thought he was cute. I told
him I lived in the same building, and I was a foreign
student. (I thought telling him I was foreign might up
my chances in the "interesting background" stakes).


Only my friend, a german girl, misheard me.
And instead of "shy" she thought i said "dry".
Now try re-reading that again, and you can imagine
what it might have meant.

The reply came back.

He said he was sorry if I misunderstood why he
replied.
he was extremely flattered, and thought it was very
brave of me to send him a valentines card. But he had
a lover, and was very happy... with him.

I blushed bright red, then and there in the computer
room in uni.
As scarlet as the walls of Kafe Bodega.
I re read it. 
I read it again.

When I saw him, after that, I tried not to see if he
saw me. Maybe he knew now, who his secret admirer was.
And if so, I felt, very very stupid. 

In retrospect, I guess I look back, and I think about
things differently. I think his response was lovely. I
think I over reacted too quickly. And I don't feel
embarrassed now.
He might have liked it. He might have smiled.
And that made it all worthwhile. I just wish I'd seen
it.

Love
Idles





=====
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/corduroysmoke/ starting playground gossip and passing notes

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