Sinister: Beating Topic To Death

[Jill Henkels]

i've found myself in a somber mood perhaps brought on by my broken cable 
box.  i am left only to put my brain into motion; love seems to be the 
general topic to ponder this tuesday evening:

love is hard to accept: it seems rather unlikely to be a win-win situation. 
in the end, at minimum one soul will be left bruised; at least four bruised 
souls are left in my past, including my own. i must refuse such situations 
again. i do not believe myself to be uncommon enough to find the feeling 
that doesn't eventually become lacking. i shall, instead, rely upon the love 
received from and given to my books and music (sebastian & belle, of 
course). it is safe; they do not leave or react to the love: they only 
accept. it's a very self-reliant love; kind of like masturbation for the 
heart. no one gets hurt. interaction with other people brings only 
conversation about such love and accidental and fumbling physical bumping 
into's brought on by necessity and/or alcohol.

if people are meant to walk in pairs, then it seems reasonable to assume 
that each individual equals a half. i think that, perhaps, i represent 
slightly less than a half. i must find someone slightly more than their fair 
share in order to feel comfortable as one. such people are rare. without 
this exceptional human being, both sides are left feeling incomplete, 
searching for that missing piece. they soon realize that the puzzle pieces 
are slightly misfitted.

i once fell in love with another less than half: disastrous repercussions. 
brought on by the realization that the other only represented half, both 
sides were only made less than they already were.

a boy recently, when asked for his reaction toward me, responded that he 
found me "damn cute. i'm still deciding if that's good or not." if history 
repeats itself, and it always does, it is not, for i shall soon steal his 
smile.

time to go wash my toes in the fountain,
jillianne


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