Sinister: moaning just for practice.

[Hannah Brown]

This message may be a lot longer than my usual ones, sorry,

Everything has all of a sudden gone weird. I went out to a bar last night
and decided not to drink because the last time i did i ended up being
everything i would not want to be. It was great to feel sober but at the
same time quite frightening. It made me think that what i usually see as
fun infact wasn't at all fun. People were pissed and taking pills, the cute
guy was there with his cuter girlfriend, the music was rubbish, barely
anyone talked to me and there was lots of embarrassing flirting and groping
going on. There was a scary old man sat in the corner eyeing up the women
and he made me feel really vunerable. I had to get a taxi home with a
friend because he scared me, i was glad i wasn't drunk.

I got home and wondered "what is the point of it", going out, drinking,
thinking you feel great when actually you are surrounded by fuck ups. I
wanted to run away that night and go somewhere quiet and innocent.

After afew minutes of general confusion and a strange sense of loneliness i
thought of sinister, and yes, this sounds very cheesy, but it made me smile
because i always feel fab when we all meet up. I feel as though i could
spend a whole day with all of you and never feel awkward or wrong whereas
there are some people at my college that i have known for years but i can
never relax around them or feel that i know and trust them.

I am going home today for the weekend to relax and eat good food and no
doubt i will feel good again tommorrow but evenings like that do my head
in. Mum says i think too much and she is right. I'm going to try not to get
drunk for a long long time, maybe it will help me, maybe it won't.

er, i'm not usually like this but it had to be done and it probably doesn't
make proper sense anyway.
    love hannahxxxxxxx
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