Sinister: normandy in june

[marikka]

it seems to be that i last wrote in august.  i feel awful, almost as awful as
when i forgot to write to my friend in mongolia to tell her that i had in fact
graduated, visited europe, and found myself a job and a new home.  well, the
new job and new home are no longer new.  i am posing as a workaholic (very
strange word as it probably should be workic, which doesn't sound nearly as
catchy), hiding from one potential suitor, and battling a mild not-so real
crush on a kid at work.  he garners the title of "the kid" simply because he is
eight months younger and graduated from high school and college a year after
me.  and the potential suitor is ghastly, but i think he has finally realized
that i do not want to talk to him.  i don't know if i could ever really be
attracted to someone who said, "i grew out of my belle and sebastian phase
years ago."  i am much more comfortable with people who have never experienced
the band and even those who simply do not like them.  but someone who has grown
beyond them?  why would he even want to spend time with someone who cannot
escape their grip?  i drive to work and then my failing tape deck will work and
allow me to hear the voices of stuart and stevie.  i love stevie.  i've loved
stevie since i first heard TIJAMRS: "stevie's full of good intentions."  don't
know why exactly, but preference can rarely be adequately described.

and then, why doesn't the kid leave his girlfriend in santa barbara?  of
course, that would be weird.  i am in some weird technical way his supervisor,
which seems wrong.  i might nearly be twenty-four, but i am not old enough for
them to trust me with that much responsibility, not really.  not when i want to
live in southwestern france for a few months before i am thirty.  but is it
fair to call a mild attraction a crush?  i have been debating this.  am i
attracted to him or to his qualities?  does that qualify as a crush?  it
doesn't feel like other crushes, which worries me for a number of reasons.  and
is it possible to separate a person's qualities from the person?  my situation
is not helped by my friend, who is aware of the situation, will say on many
occasions "i really like him," as if she is actually approving of my choice. 
if she only knew about the ones in the past, i even shake my head in dismay at
those choices. 

i feel like a recovering addict.  i feel like i left one long-term relationship
and replaced it with another, and then got rid of the last one.  i recently
beat an obsession with belle and sebastian.  i hit a point where of my ten cds
at work, five of them bore the name belle and sebastian.  during this point, i
was seriously considering travelling to austin, texas just to see the band
again, but then the kid i have the sort-of crush on convinced me that i should
go to france.  of course, he isn't going with me, he leaves this weekend and i
leave in may.  so, belle and sebastian was replaced with elliott smith.  if i
had more cds, i would probably go to low next, as if any of this is healthy for
a girl who is sleep-deprived, trying to learn german in one class per week, and
who has to go out in the rain tomorrow and saturday to drag this weird little
box over the ground to see if there are any tanks in the ground.

i would apologize for content issues, but i've been away, dealing with life,
work, and trying to read books fast enough so that i don't get any library
fines.  one important question...what is the coachella festival like?  second
question...is it worth going to, or am i going to end up hating the people
around me for not understanding why i love the band?

marikka.

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