Sinister: My baby left me.

[idleberry]

I've been dumped.
On friday, I was dumped. you know I was dumpeda few
weeks ago well, this is real dumped, as in, I can't
convince him to give me a chance, becuase he won't.
I've lost.

I think the truth of it is hitting me slowly. Saturday
I didn't feel so bad, but as each day has started, my
tears have got progressively worse, and my self esteem
and ego and pride have crescended to the depths I
can't remember.

Part of me wants to go to the doctor, and ask for them
just to put me away into a little cell for a while
with lots of drugs and specialists. But the last time
I felt this depressed, I only got through it becuase
of my now ex boyfriend, so I think if I went into
anywhere, I don't think I'd ever come out, with nobody
to love me like he did, and help me. When theres no
light, theres no hope.

Hes on the list.

I told you, no ego, no fries, no self esteem left.

The clever girl in me would remain in stone cold
silence, maintaining her diginity. She wouldn't have
begged him back like I have done, or phone him up
every day (well, Suday, Monday Tuesday) to ask why,
even though she knows why. She would find a way of
getting on with her life.

But the clever girl doesn't exist. only the stupid
girl, who can't cope with such a problem to solve.

I loved him, and I love him, and I miss him, and I
feel like someone has pulled my entire body into tiny
little peices and is burning each part, bit by bit.
There is nobody who can help me at all, bcuase I have
spoken to them all, all those I considered who might.
I can barey sleep at night. Thats when the pain really
strikes. Do you want to know what it feels like? A
slow, cruel, evil torture. I can tell myself, and my
friends, all day long, that I'm ok, I can tell
everyone that. And generally, every day, I am so
strong. But at night, I crumble, and I hope for
exhaustion to take me quickly into sleep, and I hope
to be too tired to dream, becuase I can't escape my
dreams and nightmares easily. And when I can't sleep,
or when I wake up, like I have done now, thats when
the problems are. You know I'm writing this at 5:41am.
I wish I could escape it all, escape my feelings. But
the last three years have turned me into who I am, how
can I escape that?
And Mark,
he was the love of my life, the only bloke I have ever
trully loved, and cherished, and he was my soul mate
and my best friend, I don't care if hes reading this,
becuase its stuff I told him when we were together
anyway. I wanted to propose to him, and I had worked
out all the details as well, the ring especially, wwas
going to be red gold. he was the only man I ever
really trusted, who Icould look at, and feel so
complete with, the only person I could be with and not
feel inclined to hide up my body in case he saw the
wobbly bits or th extra white bits, or the saggy bits,
or the hairy bits I hadn't had chance to de-hair.
I knew he would never eye up slimmer girls than me,
becuase he would look at me, as he drove me around,
and I'd see him stealing glimpses, and he'd smile and
tell me I was pretty. And all the things we did, and
said, and how he would want a hug when I got up out of
bed to go to the shower after a lie in. or tickling
me. Or calling me a wierdo becuase of the thing I did
with my toes and the duvet. Playing his guitar for me.
listeing to music together, because I've never met
anyone with as much in common as we had, especially
music, there was no trying to impress each other,
becuase we knew what the other liked, and I knew when
it came to music, I could always trust his judgement.
And I've lost that.
I've lost my soul mate, the man I loved and adored and
the man who made me feel complete. Now I feel like
every cell has been amputated from my body and
scattered, and is being picked at by seagulls. 

And quite frankly, if I don't ge one chance at sleep,
within the next twenty four hours, without the dreams
where I'm on the phone trying to call him and beg him
to come back to me, then I don't know what to do.
People say take it step by step, day by day. Well,
I've broken it down even further and am taking it
second by second. You know my laptop is covered in
splodges of tears right now. I am sitting, in my
brothers room, on a dining room chair, with my legs
tucked under me and a duvet wrapped around my arms and
back and shoulders, wearing a sky blue t shirt with
groovy chick on it and matching bottoms in a darker
blue. My fringe has parted, and moved into the waves
of my hair, so it doesn't look like I have a fringe.
my eyes are tiny little pinpricks, surrounded by pink,
puffy wet flesh where my tears have been pouring
along. its daylight outside, my toes are cold becuase
the central heating is yet to come on.
I thought the idea was that I'd get better, not worse.
but its not happening. 
I think I'm reversing into hell instead of driving out
slowly in first gear. I really need to pass my drivers
test, and get my gears sorted out. 
My hair smells nice, I bought some tony and guy stuff
at the weekend from boots on special offer. The
shampoo and the conditioner weren't as great as they
should be at £4.49, not in comparrison to pantene pro
v, but the blow dry stuff was good, and left my hair
shiny. and smelly, in a nice hairdresser smelly way.

i had to change my password on my e mail accounts
after my (now ex) boyfriend cracked them, and read
things he shouldn't have. If I had made them harder,
perhaps I wouldn't be single. If I had behaved myself
in the first place and not gone developing crushes on
other people, maybe he wouldn't have found anything to
dump me over. Do you think "legalman" was too easy
really?
Don't even try it- i've changed them now.

I didn't mean to have a crush on someone else. It was
just someone who was paying me some attention and
taking an innocent friendly interest in me, that made
me think he was cute, while my boyfriend and I had
taken each other for granted, and allowed everything
with the exception of sex to go stale.

I think last time we had problems in our love life, it
was the sex that was first to dive bomb. So I think my
method of thinking was: save the sex, and everything
else will follow suit.
If anyone else is in a rough patch in their
relationship- it doesn't work.


its so odd, I thought I'd be the strong one out of all
of this. but I'm not.I'm making a right pigs ear out
of myself, and makin a complete fool of myself too.
All the things, all the things I said I wouldn't do,
all the things I have done.
23 and I have lost all my dignity, self respect,
pride, and any respect I am sure from anyone who ever
knew me, becuase i'm not strong, I'm feeling very very
weak, and pathetic, and i just want to hibernate until
all my feelings have washed out of my system. There is
nothing left of me not really, except for the
following:
two eyes (severe water damage)
mouth (in desperate need of a little tlc)
two saggy breasts (too much chocolate)
two legs (may need to be trimmed- sightly overgrown
hair thing going on)
two lungs (functioning- but have been juttering for
the past few days, on account of crying and the
convulsions of sobs)
one heart (broken beyond repair- irreplaceable)
liver (alcohol free for five days)
hair (thick, dark, glossy, manageable, shiny, looking
great.)
All available on a second hand rate. 

its 6:10 am. I've had about an hours sleep all night.
I might wander out to the shop in a bit.

if only I knew what to do now, and how to cope. I just
wish he hadn't phoned me back after being a drunken
idiot- I was doing so well when i could blame him.
Instead, now he is being reasonable, I'm adapting the
role of the idiot and my feelings are all over the
place.
must think:
cool ice maiden... cool ice maiden.... cool ice
maiden...
not :
ice cream guzzling incoherent blubbing emotional wreck
Bridget Jones style loser. 

walkies.

LATERS

Idles
(and her duvet)

xxx







=====
http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/corduroysmoke and the world did get covered in a thick haze of corduroy smoke. And it felt good.

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