Sinister: Thank you. :')

[idleberry]

hi,

well, here I am again. after another day, and when I
wrote to you this morning, you saw how I felt then. 
This, I suppose, is how I am feeling now, the epilogue
to my day and my feelings. I felt, after all the e
mails I have received, that I ought to come back, and
say something more, just to say thank you to everyone
on sinister. Thank you to everyone who e mailed me.
I've read them all, and I am really touched at your
responses. 
Your replies to my post have really moved me in ways
you'll probably never see or know, and only I can ever
really measure. But if you knew how much it meant to
me, you'd look yourself in the mirror and congratulate
yourself on the incredible effect you've had on me
through your compassion. 
So, in a grateful gesture of gratitude, (I need a
thesauraus!) I'm going to say thank you:
My Horoscope was Nowhere Near Perfect:

Kate Keenan
Sean (your birthday is the 22nd October, mine is 11th)
Sunny Set
Amy Longcore
Kyla Schuller

My Baby Left Me:

Kirsten Kenyon
Florence Brain
Will Haigh
Mark Casarotto
Christopher Johnson
Jeremy Tweddle
The Cats Pajamas- Jason
Paisley
Fiona

And John john for being a darling and texting me lots
and being kind and sensitive beyond his tender years. 

you all know who you are. In some cases, I ought to
have replied personally, sooner, and I'm sorry for not
having done so.
But I am so grateful, and thankful for all the kind
things you said to me. 

*********
After I posted, I went to the shop, and got some
ciggies. I've smoked near enough thirty today in
total. 
I then crawled into bed, there was something soothing
about posting on sinister. I didn't know then whether
anyone would read it or care, but it certainly offered
a theraputic device that people can pay extortionate
ammounts for from people with alphabets after their
names.

I've deleted my ex's telephone number, and all record
of it (text messages, dialled/received number lists)
from my mobile. For his benefit and for mine.
Temptation is out of the way.

I fell asleep, and woke up once or twice, really
really exhausted. Never fall asleep face down in your
pillow. My glossy locks went into this great big 80's
dynasty style mane, the fringe so high that it looke
like a small fctory of hairspray had been used to
achieve that big hair effect, when I woke up, and my
eyes had narrowed into tiny little dots in grey puffy
skin.
 I went out at lunch time with a friend who popped
over to see me between work, and then went to the
shops. I bought a Monsters Inc easter egg for a little
boy I've never met. It was voted the best value for
money egg by Woman magazine, since it came with a
Sully bean toy and an egg and sweets and chocolate.
I walked home, in the sunshine. When I got back, I
played my guitar for a few moments, then my friend,
who had disappeared decided to skive the day off work,
(with some prompting from Yours Trully, ever the
little ID Devil girl, sitting on your shoulder telling
you what fun to have next) and we went to the pub for
a bit. I didn't drink any alcohol at all, I won't.
Theres nothing worse than me, drunk and depressed.
Really. Even when I'm happy I cry myself to sleep when
I'm drunk, and wake up with mascara stains on my
pillow. Even though its waterproof (the mascara, not
the pillow).
My friend dropped me off, and ten minutes later,
another friend collected me and took me to their home
for dinner, where I gave the little boy I'd never met
his egg. He loved it.
After dinner, my friend and I went out to the pub, and
now I have returned. I think I had two hours alone
today, apart from the time when I slept. And although
there have been pangs of pain, seeing people has
really helped. 
I was shocked I got responses- I dunno, I was tired,
exhausted, and so incredibly emotional when I wrote
it, I think its the most truthful thing I have written
about my feelings, I wrote it for self-help, I wrote
it for my own benefit, my own therapy, and it  did
make me feel better to let it out.

And I was shocked at how kind the responses to my
previous post were. How incredibly warm, and
beautiful, and how much that has meant to me. You'll
never know, I wish you could. But if you believe in
karma, then it will come back to reward you, and
hopefully in all the ways you deserve and then some.
It still hurts, and I'm going to try and go to bed
soon and maybe get some sleep tonight. I've been busy,
and unable to catch any catnaps through the day, so I
feel really exhausted now, and am hoping this will be
enough to knock me out.

I hope this post can do justice to all the caring,
compassionate tender words you've sent me. I couldn't
leave it as it was, without a thank you. It really,
*trully* has stirred me considerably.

Thank you. You've gone and made me cry.
But only becuase you made me smile. 

Love,

Kristin
(idleberry)
xxxx





=====
http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/corduroysmoke and the world did get covered in a thick haze of corduroy smoke. And it felt good.

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