Sinister: The benifits of being alive

[Ramesh Srivastava]

Dear All,

A long time since my last correspondence.  Um, I suppose it's been a strange 
time.  Last week, one of my closest friends died in an auto accident.  I 
think cars must be responsible for more deaths than any other man-made 
creation, except maybe cigarettes.  I really, really loved her, or rather, I 
really, really love her.  I feel now that it is my duty to really strive, 
take risks, and achieve whatever it is that I want to achieve.  Lacey set 
out a year and a half ago to discover her spiritual self.  She left the 
comfort of her home and travelled to Alaska, leaving an immense wave of 
self-realisation behind her.  People were angry with her, but I wasn't.  She 
had to do it.  Nobody know how little time she might have then.  I didn't 
see much of her.  I would see her every few months or so.  Every time, she 
seemed happier, more satisfied, more at peace.  I say often that my love for 
her was unrequited, but I know that it was not.  It was oh so requited.  Not 
many have been more loving, more sincere, more willing to accept without 
judgement.  I remember the joy of just silence with her, letting music and 
roomlight do all the talking.  Everyone who encountered her felt a peace 
following her, a message of real satisfaction, and that is so rare, so rare, 
in modern society.  I hope one day to feel  the kind of everyday joy she 
did, or does.  Although, I do love life now.  I suppose I might seem a bit 
goal oriented.  As much as I would like to be a successful musician, it is 
because I love music, and I want to reach as many people as possible, to 
share what I have been given by so many talented people.  It's really 
important to me, and I want to go to Glasgow, study literature, and make 
music, so dammit, i will.  I have made the plans, if I can get my paperwork 
in, to go to UNiversity, and I should be leaving in October.  It's just a 
reminder of the fleeting quality of life, that you can be so radiant, and 
then be stolen in a moment, but if she is at peace, if there are not loose 
ends, then the issue is strange.  Her Dad is the only surviving member of 
her immediate family, and I feel for him immensly.  He has a partner and a 
baby on the way, as the parents were divorced, and as a friend of mine said, 
Lacey and her brother Brady will sneak into that baby somehow.   I can't 
face the reality of the accident.  She was always leaving, always visiting, 
so it seems as though she'll phone any day now, recently returned from an 
excursion of some sort.  They were not excursions, she took them seriously.  
I loved her in a way that I feel must be rare.  There was very much an 
understanding, and I very much treasure that.  It is a reminder that I 
should take time to be good to many friends and cultivate many 
realtionships, and her death has, strangely enough, brought me together 
again with people, taught me more of the joy and validity of holding a 
friend.  I am not overly sentimental, I don't feel, but I don't think it 
matters here.  Sometimes I want to cry and run, to hide, to ignore, but 
celebrating the beauty is so much more important, and I really think I feel 
her presence sometimes, reflected in a certain natural settings, or, 
actually, all settings.  I hope to God that any message I send out gets to 
her somehow.  It's hard to get over how strange the situation is, and even 
though I don't know all of you personally, I hope this is applicable, and 
that you have someone you love.  I know I am better for it.  I love you, 
Lacey.

_________________________________________________________________
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