Sinister: Please Advise, help me keep my dignity, go on I'll be forever gratefull.

[Chris Leak]

Hi

Probably blatant list abuse but I am in need, so forgive me. After a long 
period off the list and an equally long period of lurking about I find 
myself in a predicament I don't know how to handle. After four years 
together my girlfriend has ended our relationship. To those of you guiding 
your pointer to delete with some gusto, I fully understand. To those of you 
who make it through my brief and embarrassing whine and can offer any words 
of encouragement, I thank you wholeheartedly.

Please understand I have even resorted to emailing the Samaritans. 
Unfortunately, calling them would be at odds with my shyness. Besides my 
ability to vocalize these things in person to a stranger, whilst slowly 
deter orating into some kind of inconsolable and sobbing thing, would not be 
a pleasing site in anyone's book.

I'll try and wind things up quickly now. The thing that concerns me more 
than anything is how to switch off how I feel about someone who I thought 
was for good and who no longer feels the same way. How the fuck does that 
work? As a person who has always been too easily influenced by what she 
absorbs from books and film, a closet Kate Bush fan and as someone whose new 
favorite film is Amelie, I should have seen it coming. Whilst she has done a 
good job of convincing me she doesn't seem to have done as good a job on 
herself. Her whole new "I'm 29* now, babies, things I want to do, free 
spirit etc etc" (I honestly don't mean to sound belittling. * I'm 27) 
attitude all seems a bit forced, contrived and at odds with itself. She has 
and always will be very stubborn and this whole thing seems like a textbook 
case of cutting your nose off to spite your face. Then again this could just 
be a big fat denial induced supposition on my part?

The second thing that I am struggling with (and it's still a biggie) is 
simply the fact that she was my best friend. Of my circle of friends I have 
only one who would even consider going to the same kind of gigs or places, 
who would tolerate the same kind of music and film and who has any interest 
in the arts. Who do I do these things with now? Doing them alone doesn't 
hold great appeal. I'll also miss being a part of her glass design business, 
which is beginning to take off, I enjoyed helping. The place I live, near 
Preston (Lancashire), England isn't exactly awash with masses of like-minded 
people. Bugger.

Right, I'll start winding this thing up now; if you're still with me then I 
sincerely appreciate it. In a truly responsible fashion, I have been on a 
weeklong experimentation with alcohol tolerance. My conclusion is undecided. 
I can't establish whether I am having some kind of dickie fit/break down 
type thing or permanently hung over. Whilst such behavior cannot go on 
indefinitely, it keeps me going until my doctor's appointment on Wednesday.

Like I say, to those of you are still here without having suffered some kind 
of wince induced facial injury, thanks again. Whilst this has been a pretty 
healthy and cathartic exercise (sorry if that appears selfish), all I am 
hankering after are a few words of encouragement and advice. Before 
responses of "Get a grip", "Life's a shitter" etc etc flood in, then please 
don't bother, I've heard them all from some of my caring friends.

Hope to hear something back.

Cheers

LEaky



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