Sinister: i am okay. i am not being starved, beaten or unnecessarily frightened.

[sophia katrina]

these things have happened.

i listened to some of the songs on storytelling and wasn't as excited as i 
expected to be.
i found and lost a job.
i went out of the house and came back again, many times.
i rode on trams and looked out the window, my eyes focused on the middle 
distance.
i booked tickets to sydney and new york and london and wondered if i should 
go.
i flirted for hours with a computer programmer and because i have not 
flirted in a while i felt uncomfortably alive.
i ate tibetan white tara cakes, which my sister made. white tara cakes are 
supposed to be made by monks wearing white, meditating on absolute purity. 
everything in them is white except for the honey. the cakes should be 
blessed with all the qualities of tara, peace and benevolence and 
compassion. but ours weren't blessed. we sat around the kitchen table and 
ate them with chocolate spread.

there's a david shrigley cartoon which has 2 columns: one labelled "things i 
should have paid attention to," the other "things i actually paid attention 
too." (again, paraphrasing).

when i should have been paying attention to Big Things, Important Things, 
decisions which, if botched, would fundamentally alter the course of my 
life, these are the things i paid attention to:

the sour pollution smell which came in the window a couple of days ago, took 
up residence in the house and wouldn't leave

slo-motion shots of skiing accidents on tv - bodies drifting through the air 
with balletic grace and slow cold clouds of powder snow rising up behind 
them

two birds following each other across the darkening sky.

love to all
sophia
x

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