Sinister: just a sobby, little post.

[pulu xxx]

hello,

this is my first post. i´ve been too scared to post,
because you all seem so witty and clever, and write
much better than i could ever write.  

but there´s this one thing that makes every day almost
unbearable. i´d like to know how long did it take for
you to get over someone, i mean when she or he has
broken up with you?
my boyfriend ended our relationship already 6 months
ago, on december 21st around 22.35 (10.35pm). 
and i haven´t gotten over it.
i cry like everyday, almost constantly. i just don´t
know what to do. 
i don´t have any like minded friends, he was my best
friend, and it´s just all gone. 
we had the same taste in music.  
i thought we were meant for each other, i was
convinced 
that we´d be together for the rest of our lives.
the reason 
why he broke up with me, was because i am too sad so
that i made him sad. 

but now he has a new girlfriend.  
and i´m planning my funeral. 

living has become so difficult, cos everytime i hear
some love song or something 
i have to plug my ears, when i see a happy couple i
have to 
close my eyes, when i hear kissing sounds i have to go
and bang my head against the wall. 

i can´t even listen to some 
of my favourite bands or albums like:
-kings of convenience
-bob hund´s ´jag rear ut min själ´
-super furry animals esp. ´rings around the world´
(i happened to see sfa on conan and it felt awful)
-the delgados 
-the divine comedy 
all i have left is 
nick drake, the smiths and classical music, 
cos those don´t remind me of him. 
i watch news and crime films, cos there isn´t usually
anything 
about love in them. 
i borrowed liszt´s cd from the library, cos it got
this one 
piece in it called ´funérailles´ and it´s just
incredibly beautiful. i listen to it constantly.  
actually i went to see claude chabrol´s ´merci puor le
chocolat´ and they played it in it and it sounded so
gorgeous.

i´m terrified about this summer. last summer was the
best that i ever had. 
and i just keep thinking about it. and i also think
that what he is doing with her.
sometimes 
i wake up with that thought in my mind and i can´t get
back to sleep. 
i still have dreams about him, 
like last night. but i can´t remember it right now.

i´m so naive that i thought no b&s fan would be like
that, 
i mean at first he said how i was someone he had for
long wanted to find and be with. 
i knitted him mittens for x-mas present and i made
this heart 
on the palm side, so he has my heart in his hand, like
i gave it to him. i didn´t plan it that way, the heart
on the palm side, 
it was a mistake, cos i didn´t notice that i had
already made a thumb on that side, but then i realized
what it could symbolize. 
he cried when i explained it to him. 
he wrote me a fairy tale. about us.
last x-mas 
i was making him woolly socks and again i had designed
this heart shape pattern
on them. (i know boring, but i never know what to get)
and then when i was knitting them he phoned and said
we should break up. 

i still got my cell phone full of his text messages,
and when we were together i use to write them down.
i´ve got two little books full of his messages. 

i just fear that i never get over this/him, i just
miss him so much and i want him back. and i hate
myself for ruining the whole thing, and being too
sad.. 
and i´m so tired of crying, 
but i can´t stop.
and i also fear that i turn into some horrible cynical
person, 
who detestes happy people,
and love. just like that hobbit from ´lord of the
rings´ named gollum (?!).
i want to love and feel being loved, and i want to
cuddle and kiss and do things together, but i don´t 
want to wait ten years to get it.
i want it now.

i´m sorry for this post. thanks if you could read it
through.

yours truly,
puluxxx 
(finland)

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