Sinister: now i'm in a million pieces

[juju fox]

halo sinister.

some say, "if you're feeling like a minister, go off
and write to sinister", so here i am. it's been so
long. i don't really know you anymore. but there's a
void in my life, and i need you by me now.

there's something about driving at sunset in autumn in
the last hour you have to yourself before you must
clock in at work after you've just bought powder blue
maryjanes and a skirt that resembles the boy's carpet
that broke your heart, especially when you're
listening to iyfs - the song, on repeat, as you're
driving at sunset... that glorious peachy keen kind...

something about the feeling of freedom when you set
yourself loose in the womens shoe department, size 8
aisle, where you can try on a hundred kinds of shoes
and feel like a hundred kinds of people just for a few
seconds cos you've already checked the price and know
you can never wear the matching shoe outside the shop,
so you take off the one and find another to fantasize
with for the remainder of the minute you hope will
pass quickly... cos each moment you have to wait to
take another breath is a moment you have to think
about all the things that have happened to you
lately... and wonder how many more breaths must go in
and out before you're beyond it all. 

so you park when the prettiest part of the setting sun
has passed. and you go into another shop to try on all
sorts of clothes that look fantastic on you and match
those blue maryjanes so perfectly that you could be a
walking debate on why mums should never be allowed to
purchase matching sets of tops and bottoms in
department stores for anyone over the age of 4. and
you leave the shop with more black skirts you don't
really need, but you have a void now, and collecting
maryjanes and black skirts sometimes is the only way
you know how to neglect a hungry heart. and you race
to work, change clothes in the car cos you hate
clothes, and the ones you left the house in proved
your curse of static cling, and only brand new ones
can cure the ailment. and don't you feel better now
that you look like you've taken up the boy's carpet
and spread it all over your hips, wrapped it around
your waist... cos he's never gonna wrap himself around
you like that again. not cos he doesn't want to. cos
his life is plagued, and he won't infect you.

you play songs all night that don't really do anyone
any bit of good. but you like to pretend your piano's
a guitar like all the other girls, and pulling iyfs
out of your hat in the middle of your set was the best
idea you had all day. and you think about the boy some
more. 

there's something about losing a best friend and
housemate who also happens to be the other half of
your band that you may or may not have broken up in
the same week that the boy you love breaks up with you
for nothing you did, and your label announced they
can't afford to put out your next record anyway...
something that makes you think you're grateful they
only happen in three's... something that makes you
suspect there's more than three this time. you start
to obsess over the health of your cat and listen to
every squeak of your car's brakes in wait for the next
let down. you listen to the boy's sad songs and melt.
and think about those miumiu maryjanes you couldn't
afford. and hope the hug you last gave the boy was
felt as it was meant. and curl up with your fat cat
and think and think and think about who you could be
and how you could change the world and make him listen
if only you could afford different maryjanes. like the
patent leather ones with the cut-outs and extra inch
in front just to make you seem bigger than actual
size, and more important to more people than just what
you mean to that boy. but you still feel like such a
regular, and the only hope you have left at the end of
the day is that he believes what you say.

something about november and my october withdrawals...
something so dark in my thinking. but i haven't been
able to help it lately. dumped three times in a row...


clinging to my cat in case he gets any ideas,

  juju

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