Sinister: just make believe but so in love

[rrrrobyn]

ah, sinister...

well, it's been a while. i've been computer-less for (gasp) almost
two months. i don't know, i think i lost track of time. time means
nothing! it's all about space now, people. but what do i know. 

well, i know a bunch of things, really. but "knowing", well, what
does that really mean? esp when there are so many things that one
certainly does *not* "know". 

see how things get all confused when robyn doesn't have her computer
and her internet access? the world gets Abstract. everything is all
parenthesized, quotified, capitalized with Meaning, and other such
theoretical sod. if i didn't enjoy it so much i'd say it could kiss
my ass. which, boy, can it.

but i have my computer back! all fixed up. hoorah, etc.!
concretely, then:
montreal remains good. though cold. an' it's only gettin' colder,
they say. i'm disturbed (perhaps only minorly, i don't know) by the
idea that winter is something you "get through". like a tunnel. a
really long, cold tunnel. and while tunnels are fun/exciting/new when
you're travelling at 120km/hr on a highway in the mountains, they're
an entirely different thing when used as a metaphor for the long,
cold canadian winter. (which, as you know, does not exist on the
canadian west coast, making me feel somewhat removed from this side
of canadian identity. maybe i should be *glad* to get to experience
this? will i have some mid-winter revelation? or will i simply
concede to wearing long johns, warm boots and a toque at all times,
muttering about identity only to keep my lips from freezing?) hm.
getting through.

how much of life is about reflecting on it? sometimes too much,
sometimes not enough. i don't know. it's funny, the nature of
reflecting. as in, i remember spending days at work, working and, of
course, not working, and listening to music on headphones the entire
time. often i would just listen to one or two cds over and over
again; they became or acted as background, yet i was still conscious
of them, their content, how they made me feel as they poked in and
out of my consciousness. but what exactly was this music that had
such a day-long impact on me? and why would i spend the entire day
listening to it? 

i can't always recall the former (can only look at my cd collection
and guess) and can only come up with theories for the latter. i guess
i'm just a little disturbed b/c i remember the feeling, but not the
details. i remember the headphones pressing against my ears, and the
keyboard pressing up on my fingertips, whether a wind was coming in
the window, whether i was cold. and vague feelings of happiness,
emptiness, tiredness. i suppose it's the difference between
sensations, and memories of them, and, well, not-sensations, those
things that don't impress primarily on the body but instead impress
more strongly on the intellect. i think that these things can get too
easily lost. the intellect being such an unmappable place. 

object? subject? both? neither?! agh.

ah... so, to sum up: i have been feeling cold. and i have been
thinking too much. 

i quite like the new future bible heroes cd. only stephin merritt
could make a song about vampires dancable... but right now i'm
listening to charm of the highway strip. and i've been listening to
it for hours for some reason/another/no reason at all.

phenomenologically yours,
robyn

p.s. sinister, i heart you so bad. also, i saw the raddest patterned
tights in a really expensive department store. they were *modernist*,
i tell you. alas, i am post-post-modern. and so is my poverty.

=====
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. ~Steven Wright
~~~
Robyn Fadden    rfadden at yahoo.com    Montreal, QC

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