Sinister: Diary of a failure.

[Retro^Sec]

well i failed my test again today. I turned the air
inside the car blue with my bad language, and i was
shaking and sweating with nerves. I fucking hate
tests. One thing, when we were at school, doing
written exams. You could go back and check if you'd
done alright. But I've always hated practicals. Oral
exams in German and later, Norwegian. Practical exam
in chemistry. And then the dance exams I had. I've
probably failed most practical exams I've sat. 

It was my own fault though, and the examiner was a
pretty fair bloke, so I'm not going to blame him in
some conspiracy theory paranoia. I failed FIVE BLOODY
FUCKING FEET from the test centre as I returned. I
thought I'd failed earlier, but he'd been good about
that apparently. I thought I'd hit the kerb/ He said
I'd brushed it. He said there were different degrees
of hitting a kerb, and had taken my side on that. But
I couldn't really hear what he was saying. I was just
thinking "Shit. Thats another £50 I'll have to fork
out to get my license". I've spent well over £200 on
tests alone. No idea what the lessons have cost me. I
could have bought a car probably, for the total value.
Or a plane. Yeah. Learn to fly, girl, learn to fly. At
least then you won't get caught up in traffic jams.

I'm not as gutted as I was last time. I think I just
went back to bed last time, and lay in bed, hating
everyone. All my friends being supportive. All the
people asking how I did. All the people wishing me
luck. Because by failing, I knew I'd be asked, and
have to sit through the same conversations a million
times before the weekend was out. I knew exactly what
people would say.

This time, I think they know. Cos they know what I'm
like when I fail. Its a case of "leave me alone."

So I didn't spend the day in bed. Well, not all of it.
My disappointment isn't as bad as it was last time.
Although - AND THIS IS FUCKING PATHETIC - i was
watching  new nutrigrain advert, and it had this woman
washing her car and then it started to rain and shes
thinking "typical". And I felt a bit sad - I want a
car to wash*.

right well. there you go.

Stop wishing me luck those of you that do. You're
bloody jinxing me with your bad luck ways.

love

idles

* A car of my own, I am not offering myself for car
washing. A car I can own, drive, and curse when it
does things wrong and costs me a fortune to get fixed.
Maybe by the time I pass they'll have an even newer
model of the little hot clio I want.



=====
<a href="http://retrosec.blogspot.com/">http://retrosec.blogspot.com/</a> thoughts

__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Everything you'll ever need on one web page
from News and Sport to Email and Music Charts
http://uk.my.yahoo.com
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+
        +---+  Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list  +---+
     To send to the list mail sinister at missprint.org. To unsubscribe
     send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to
     majordomo at missprint.org.  WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister
 +-+       "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper           +-+
 +-+  "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+
 +-+    "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000     +-+
 +-+  "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000  +-+
 +-+  "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001   +-+
 +-+               Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa                 +-+
 +-+               Snipp snapp snut, sa var sagan slut!                +-+
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+