Sinister: right or wrong

[Mr Nicholas Litzow]

i just don't know if i'm right or if i'm wrong, but as i sit here in 
the early momements of morning, still half-drunk on cheap wine, head 
spinning, i have an intense desire to know the answer to that question.

I leave for san francisco (for 3 months) in a week. I desperately want 
to see all the beautiful people i know in my life before i leave. 
Tonight I was invited to a housewarming party through some uni people, 
who are all beautiful, but at the same time wanted to see my other 
friends, in particular one girl, who i have just started seeing. I 
organised to meet the latter later on in the evening. However, the uni 
party dragged on, people came late, people changed plans and I had no 
one there to go out with (to where i was to meet said very cute and 
very special (VCAVS) girl). Furthermore, most other friends pulled 
out. Was waiting for the movement out that i was promised but 
stagnated and didn't organise much. Meanwhile VCAVS girl sends message 
saying she is going home. I reply that I wish I could see her and get 
a vitriolic message in response.

"No, I'm not going to pretend that I don't care about this stuff 
anymore. No reply please."

At which point my world crumbles and uni party around me seems 
insignificant and small and lifeless. Subsequent messages (in the hope 
of getting voice, or better still, actual interpersonal contact) 
proved fruitless and, seemingly, more abraisive to said VCAVS girl.

Oh sinister, i have noone to discuss this with so drunkenly i turn to 
you. I am at fault partly, sure, but no deserving of this surely? I 
have done this before, admittedly, but never thinking of consequence. 
It can be so hard to balance, and I just end up hurting the wrong 
people. I just don't know.. 'Never gonna fall in love again' as gary 
lightfoot says.

Maybe music will soothe this feeling, this internal grinding and 
clenching. I might as well try.

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