Sinister: GLASGOW EARTHQUAKE APPEAL

[Brian McNeill]

 > URGENT - GLASGOW EARTHQUAKE APPEAL

AT 00.54 ON MONDAY 07TH OCTOBER 2002 A MAJOR EARTHQUAKE HIT MEASURING 4.8
ON THE RICHTER SCALE EPICENTERED ON GLASGOW.

Victims can be seen wandering aimlessly muttering: "Ah wiz shittin' masel"
and "Ah need some jellies".
The Earthquake decimated the area, causing approximately £30 worth of
damage.
Untold disruption and distress was caused:
Many were woken well before their giro arrived
Several priceless collections of memento's from the Balearics and Spanish 
costas were damaged
Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were
disturbed
The cone fell off the head of the statue outside the Modern Art Gallery
Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact 
that something interesting has happened in Glasgow
One resident, Mary-Alice McGregor, a 17 year old mother-of-three said "It 
was such a shock, little Chelsea came running into my bedroom crying. My 
yungest two, Tyler-Morgan and Shauni slept through it. I was still  shaking 
when I was watching Trisha the next morning."
Looting was reported to be unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of buckfast 
and tennets Super to the area to help the stricken masses. Rescue workers 
are still searching through the rubble and have found
large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and 
jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.
HOW YOU CAN HELP
Clothing is most sought after. Items required include: - Sovvy rings;
Baseball caps; Shell suits; Tesco two stripe trainers; White socks; Chunky 
gold chains
Food parcels may be harder to put together but are necessary all the same. 
Required foodstuffs include: - Faggots; Buckfast; Grey Peas; Buckfast;Pork 
Scratchings; Buckfast; Tripe and Onions; Buckfast; "**** Blood Pud";
Buckfast; Fray Bentos Pies; Buckfast
£2 buys chips, scraps and ginger for a family of four
£10 can take a family to Coatbridge for the day, where children can sniff 
glue and spike up among the national collection of stinging nettles
22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim
Please send your credit card number.







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