Sinister: Teenage Kicks

[Madeleine McNeil]

Pigtails said: "Sending viruses to people isn't a nice thing to do". Thanks 
for pointing that out, Pigz. I'd better revise my Christmas list then.

Llew in sentimentality shocker! Thank God she reassured us that it won't 
last. Compared to Ll, I'm positively Pollyanna. But then, I'm rather fond of 
you all too in my own special neglectful way.

Llew also linked to a post I wrote last year, and I actually didn't cringe 
when I read it again. I remember that time: I was wildly excited at the 
world and my place in it and all the marvellous things I could reach out and 
grab (like leaves from a car window in the autumn, if you will). And I still 
feel 16, and I think I will forever. I asked my mum whether she feels her 
age, but she told me she still wakes up every morning, looks around her and 
thinks "How did I get *here?* I can't have children and a house and a 
marriage and a job! I'm only 22!" And I think I'll always be like that. The 
morning shock of realising that I have a mortgage and a job and will soon 
have a degree. I feel like I've fooled everyone. Tee hee, they think I'm 
grown up and sensible. Fooled them! But, jeepers, what happens when they 
find out that really I'm an idiot with nothing higher in my mind than hair 
dye and kissing?

Yesterday night, in Birmingham, I regressed totally back to my 14 year old 
sulking depressive bedroom days, when I found myself crying at a Morrissey 
gig. I'd never seen the Great Man before, and I was so nervous I thought I 
would throw up. Instead, I just drank too much and babbled insanely. And 
then, and then, he was on the stage and singing the songs that has played 
endlessly in my head when I was younger and thought that life would always 
be crap and lonely and grey and I was there and watching him and oh. My. 
GOD. So I bawled like a girl at a Beatles gig, spontaneously proposed to my 
girlfriend (my offer drew a pat on the head and a "yes, it is rather 
emotional isn't it, dear?" look from her. A No, then, I'm guessing), and 
wished technology was advanced enough that my eyes were both eyes and a 
camcorder.


It was fantasique with a capital Q. And I still fancy Morrissey even though 
he, accorded to the girlfriend, looks "like a hunchback. See, his shoulders 
are all squished with his neck. He's scaring me!" Piffle. He's everything 
that's right about a man. The fact that he was far away and will never meet 
me only enhance his perfection.

I never Reported Back from Tigermilking, at the beginning of the month. 
Well, it was wonderful night with dancing and smooching and drunken japes. I 
was neither a smoocher nor a smoochee (I wonder how one differentiates....) 
but I did spend some time gasping "Goodness! Those two! How sweet..."

All the DJs were great, I showed myself up by not knowing who the Moldy 
Peaches are, but I will soon as they are playing here - or at least, the 
flyer reads "Kimya and Toby (Moldy Peaches)". Is this the whole band or a 
few of them or what? If anyone fancies coming to Leicester, it's on Sunday 
17th November, let me know off list and we can meet for a drink or something 
or at least offer directions. I'd like to be able to offer places to stay, 
but I'm afraid I'll have a full house that night.

(Keep Feeling) Fascination

Madeleine



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