Sinister: i saw the world crashing all around your face

[bus stoppers]

dearest home,

i have been quite homesick this past month or so that i haven't
posted.  or read any posts.  it was in-between summer school and
the fall, so no internet access.  withdrawls preceeded the pot
and booze.  i'm okay now though...but i did miss you and think
of you often.

how is everyone?  

i don't really know what to write.  nothing new really.  just
the same old shit.  shit, shit, and more shit.  that's life
though, right?  it's what you make of it and i'm going for:
fertilizer and maybe a compost heap for everything else that
comes along.  maybe someday i'll have a healthy, fragile yet
firm garden instead of that stench (sp?) that follows you around
on the bottom of your shoe...

i guess there is something though that i have been thinking
about.  i miss hugging people.  and no.  not those little 'hi'
and 'goodbye' hugs.  the kind that you get to lean into and keep
for a still moment.  

sorry.
that was cheese.

and yet, full of such sodium and stuff, i really mean it all.  i
hope this all doesn't sound too whiny because if i were to say
it out loud to someone, i don't think it would be whiny...but i
am unsure as to how it would read...hmm...

the 'one who fucked me up' called me the other night.  i hadn't
talked to him in a while.  i don't know if anyone remembers, but
right before new year's this past year, he told me that he never
wanted to talk to me or see me EVER again.  he made it all very
clear, even though my eyes were pretty cloudy.  we will call him
D for now.  D was VERY drunk.  it just made D very honest.  so
maybe it was a good thing too along with just being a....thing.

D apologized for hurting me.  said he was sorry for the things
that he ever said that ever made me cry.  said that he still
reads my on-line diary to see if i'm okay, because if i'm sad,
it makes him sad.  if i'm happy, it makes him happy.  ect.

we actually talked things out (which had, obviously, never
happened before) and admitted things and apologized.  some might
label this as closure?  it was just nice.

then D made the next wrong step...he asked to see me.  he needed
to see me, to see how i was doing.  he wanted to hold me in his
arms and tell me everything is, and will be, okay.  

i should have known better.
i most certainly do now.

so everyone.  let me hold you in my arms for a lovely moment
full of almost quick heartbeats and almost clammy hands.  

"everything is going to be okay.  
everything is okay."

but, of course.  you don't need me to.  

..........it's just nice once and while.


love,
sara
xoxoxox



=====
all the people'd stare as if we were both quite insane

someday my name and his are going to be the same

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