Sinister: i just don't know what to do, or what to think, i just want to curl up and cry and i can't even do that

[adevens at xxx.edu]

so i'm so mad right now, and i don't know how to even write this email but i don't have 
anyone else to talk to right now cause it's 3 in the fucking morning so you all are all
i've 
got

where to even start. about 3 weeks ago i met a girl, i knew i was only going to be home 
for a few weeks and that it couldn't really be anything real but she was cool and i liked 
her and i haven't liked anyone in a pretty long time

she likes me too. we've been "hanging out" since then, not a couple, certainly not, but 
fairly couple like. she's told me that if i was staying she would want to date me, and i
think 
i believe her, i think i do, maybe

anyway, i know that she makes out with other people, i sort of knew that anyway, 
vaguely, and it didn't really bother me cause afterall we aren't dating anyway and i'm 
leaving for scotland in like 8 days anyway

but, fucking but, fucking fucking fucking but

she invited me to a concert tonight, sort of, and her friend invited me to a party after
it, 
aparently she didn't want me to be invited but she sure as fuck didn't do anything to stop

me from going, in fact it seemed to me in some ways like she was happy i was going

so i went to the concert and had a good time, tracy + the plastics, great band/chick, 
afterwards we went to the party and for awhile had a good time there

then i saw her making out with some random guy while i was five feet away, then pull him 
into the makeout room, then come out and start making out with someone else that i later 
found out is her ex-boyfriend, then i went outside and stood near them and she took him 
off across the street to keep making out

i don't know what to feel... i know i don't have any um hold over her, that's not really
the 
right term cause you don't own people, i just mean that we are not comitted in anyway, far

from it, but we've spent the last 3 weeks seeing each other every few days and there has 
been a far bit of kissing and the like and i guess i just thought she liked me more than 
that

it's just so fucking inconsiderate, so finally we talked and i said that and she said that
she 
liked me alot and that if i was staying she would want to be with me but because i wasn't 
she couldn't get attached to me, which i fucking understand, it makes sense, and i told 
her that i was cool with what she was doing, which i sort of am, maybe, but that i just 
didn't want to have to see it and she apologized and told me that she hadn't meant for me 
to see it, and i told her that for the 8 days we had left i would just like it if she
would try 
harder, at which point we left the party

she left the party with him, holding hands, i started to walk back with them cause she was

going to the same place as my car but when i realized she was taking him back with her i 
wasn't going to, i said i would call her the next day and she asked me why i wasn't 
walking with them

so i fucking did, and she held his fucking hand the whole fucking way back, didn't say a 
fucking word to me and when we fucking got back to my fucking car she was like, are you 
leaving, and i was like what else am i gonna do and she was like well i'll see you later

to which i just left

maybe i'm just drunk, which i am, but it just seems so fucking inconsiderate, are they 
back together, i know she wants that, are we done? we were supposed to go to a show 
together tomorrow, are we not now? i think i will be ok with what happened tomorrow but 
i'm not sure there is a tomorrow, at least not for me and her

i fucking hate this, i fucking hate this stupid fucking bullshit, what am i supposed to
feel, 
what am i supposed to think? what happens now? i'm not going to sleep that's for sure

..

arik

p.s. sorry, sorry for making you all have to deal with this. tomorrow i will write a much 
happier message where i beg you all to let me live in your houses in scotland for a brief 
time, really i'm usually much nicer and ok then this, i
promise

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