Sinister: LIKE A CATERPILLAR IN A COCOON, I'M GONNA HOLD MY BREATH AND MAKE...BELIEVE...I'M DEAD

[Richard Gillanders]

I find myself content in life but not the living of it
I find myself satisfied to be alive if thats putting
it a little strongly alive live lives live life its
difficult talking to a friend this evening I said that
it seems my goal in life is to reach a point where I
can stay in bed all the time he asked about
achievement I said I really believed that I used to
yearn for he said I can't have lost it already and I
said it definitely felt like I have I have it too easy
and that makes me want it even easier is the problem I
realise make it hard for me I cant seem to do it
myself shut up I feel like daniel quinn having trained
myself to sleep and wake for fifteen minutes intervals
except mine are fifteen hour intervals Ive forgotten
why or even if I actually thought it was the best way
to work Ive forgotten why or even if I actually came
here what I was supposed to be doing one day I'll
realise what it was and that it is no longer possible
and give up like beyond this given up or maybe I wont
maybe I havent actually given up maybe Ive just
stopped pushing ahead for this while I just need a new
start not a head start not a start somewhere else just
a start I need to create one I thought Id have a start
last week I had a surprise but no start I need a start
and no surprise every week I think that maybe I can
start next week and its just week week week week week
I am so weak and of course it is no ones fault but
mine for letting myself slip to begin with from making
the choices that led me to be able to let myself be
able to slip it has been a while which makes it more
difficult but that too is my fault I need to make a
decision a point and stick and begin begin again to
work


I find myself content in life.  but not the living of
it.  I need, at least, happiness in life and
contentment in its living.  and, perhaps, I can get
them from just beginning to live.  properly.  OK.


-

we are so glad I hate the idea of weblogs.

-

last month: happy birthday carey, happy birthday kate,
happy birthday dimitra.
this month: happy birthday lucy.


-



I promise to post something properly stupid if not
contentious next time.

love,
richard
xx

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