Sinister: I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

[Christine Irene]

Ya know, I wouldn't call myself a fan of Matchbox 20,
but I love their new single. It reminds me of me. 
"I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell.  I know,
right now you can't tell.  but hang around and maybe
then you'll see, how I used to be."
i feel that i have changed so much in the past few
months.  i also feel as though i am completely losing
my mind most of the time.

This weekend was relatively uneventful.  i ended up
not going to class on saturday as per my doctor's
orders and, more importantly, my grandmother's orders.
 i did go to my niece's first birthday party, which
was nice i guess.  it's funny, i don't really know
those siblings very well.  they grew up together, with
their mother, and i was raised by my grandparents.  my
sister jill and i got close some years ago when our
father sent us to florida together to visit him.  as
for michele, who is my eldest sister, she always
resented me in many ways.  largely because i got more
from my father than she ever did.  it's ironic that
last year she came around, and invited me to spend
christmas eve with them and participate in what had
always been "their" tradition.  within a few hours,
our father was dead.  weird.

another moment of note took place when gram and i were
driving to the party.  i started crying again and
telling her that i just can't deal with my life
anymore.  something you should know, my grandmother
has the most unbelievable faith of anyone i have ever
known.  when i was done she said "you can't be so
negative about things.  negativity effects your
health."  i told her that i tried not to be but lately
i just can't help it.  i told her that my life was
totally unravelling and, for someone as "type a" as i
am, that is enough to drive me to the brink of
insanity.  i am all about order and organisiation and
have neither anymore.  she told me that i needed to
quit worrying so much, just have faith and God will
take care of me.  i informed her that, up to now, he
has done a pretty crappy job.  with that she got a bit
miffed and said that He had not, I just wasn't aware
of it yet.  she said that i just need to believe that
He will take care of me, and it will happen.  
i wish i chould have faith like that, i really do. 
it's just so hard to believe so strongly in something
that can't be proven.  i do believe in God, but i
think it is mostly because i like to think that there
is a better place than this awful world of ours.  i
like the idea that someone knows why all of these
horrible things happen to everyone, someone who is
guiding us through it all and protecting us.  i dunno.
 now i'm just babbling.
 
i was thinking about going to confession.  i don't
really believe in confession.  who is some preist to
tell me that God forgives me, shouldn't that be
between God and I?  i haven't gone to confession
since.....well...since i made my confirmation when i
was 13.  that is 12, almost 13 years of unabsolved
sins...maybe that's where i went wrong.  :o) 
seriously though, i don't believe in it, but what if I
am wrong?  it certainly can't hurt.  

enough about religion.  oi.

yesterday i lay in bed all day, sleeping off and on. 
also watched a slew of movies:

All That Heaven Allows, which I liked
The Naked Kiss, which I liked
Kermit, the early swamp years :o)
Office Space, a staple (no pun intended :o)
some russian movie that i fell asleep during...didn't
care to re-watch it
pretty woman
the improtance of being ernest...old version and
new...i love them both
bridget jones' diary....still like the book more, but
still watch the movie quite a bit.  have developed mad
crush on colin firth :o)

i think i watched some others...oh yeah.... from a
whisper to a scream, but i watch that all of the time.
:o)

ah well.  enough rambling.  time to go and rest my
lung. 

love and snow plows (very snowy in chicaogish :o(  )

~stine

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