Sinister: shoulda coulda woulda

[Christine Irene]

so many years ago, circa 91?  there was a mickey mouse
club offshoot "band" called The Party.  it was
comprised of 5 members of the show who recorded an
album or two together.  i had a crush on damon
pompolina....but i digress.  they had this song called
"Shoulda Coulda Woulda" about this interaction between
a boy/girl and thier crush.  it is sort of a song
about missed oppurtunities and longing....the typical,
teenage unrequited love sort of stuff.

this song is all i can think about since last night. 
i totally fumbled a moment that i have dreamed of for
years.

i knew that i was going to meet dave gahan last night.
 he is one of my very favourite singers of ever.  he
is also someone who has always kind of given me hope. 
he got to about the lowest point anyone can reach, and
pulled himself out of it, rebuilt his life, wrote and
recorded a lovely solo record, and is just someone who
has always been, at the risk of sounding naff,
inspiring to me.

so as i was saying.  i knew i was going to meet him
last night.  standing in line for the show, which was
to be the 30 minute acoustic foreplay for the show
tonight, i made a couple of new friends.  lovely
girls, chris and jaime.  

during the show, jaime and i were the only 2 people in
the venue standing up, singing, and dancing.....it was
the lamest crowd ever!!!!!  dave took notice of us,
jaime in particular as she is far more extroverted
than i...so all was fine.

he was to be doing a signing, which wasn't the
atmosphere in which i hoped to meet him, but it would
do.  i would at least get the opportunity to say hello
and tell him some of the speech i had been mentally
preparing for weeks.

it was going to be, in equal amounts, charming,
sincere, honest, thankful, non-scary, rationally
spoken, heartfelt, ironic, and profound.

i was going to tell him, in no detail, that the past
year has been less than good.  that keeping in mind
that people (him) have gone through similar things,
and worse things, and are still alive and kicking,
serves as a reminder that things aren't so bad.  i was
going to tell him that the words he sings, and the
manner in which he sings them, bring me to tears.  i
was going to say that i am really happy that he was
able to write and record an album on his
own....something he had been wanting to do for years. 
i was going to tell him that the words he wrote meant
something to me.  i was going to tell him that there
are a lot of us who think that he is talented in his
own right, outside of depeche mode.  i was going to
tell him so many things.

of course, that didn't happen.  when jaime chris and i
approached him, he grinned with recognition.  he said
to jaime and i "you seemed like you enjoyed
yourselves?"  she laughed.  he signed our items and
asked me my name.  i was an idiot.  i stood there,
catatonic almost, unsure about the whole thing and
questioning whether or not he was a real, tangible
person.   he asked me my name and i muttered "you're
amazing."  he smiled at me, winked and said thank you.
 jaime said, her name is christine.  he said "thank
you christine." and asked if we would be at the show
tonight.  

i blew it.  all of the things i wanted to tell
him....things it felt important for me to tell him,
and i didn't get any of it out.

hopefully my karma allows for second chances.

~stine

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