Sinister: there's something wrong with me

[miss lou]

hello sinister.

i say yay to bapps and idles for the little tales. and
i agree with idels re: indie discussions. i always
think i know something about music until i get
involved in one of said conversations, and then i
realize i actually know more about wham! than, say,
the evolution of punk rock or something. and it's
always a particular nuisance with boys. sorry guys.
but it's true.

anyway, i'm mad at all you boys today as it is.

***

sometimes i wonder if you start to dress a certain way
and start to listen to certain music and start to hang
out at certain places you don't actually build around
yourself a certain sort of chosen, well. cage,
perhaps. confinement. 

i never really used to worry about this. when it
started, i just thought chuck taylors were really cool
because they came in so many colors and the boys who
wore them had rather nice hairdos. 

now, three long years later and with a lot of cds and
thrift store connections, i wonder if it really is all
something false after all. recently i said i felt fake
a lot of the time, and i know it's true. not because i
am trying to be something i'm not. at least not
really, i don't think. i think it's because i hang out
with a whole slew of people who try to be something
they aren't. or, worse, they don't try to be anything.

when i called my mum tonight, i found myself shouting
into the receiver, asking her the dreaded rhetorical
question, 'what's wrong with the youth of america?'
and yeah, as with all things, it was in reference to
boys. who, these days, seem to be divided neatly into
two categories (at least in nebraska):

1. non-indies who have clean hair, nice shoes and
goals goals goals. these boys do not want to go out
with me. they like girl(space)friends.

2. indies who have hair last washed approx. 3 months
ago, no g.e.d., no job, no car, no phone, no goals and
just enough money for a bit of smack. these boys love
me AND their bands.

(there is a third, unmentionable place for people who
go crazy, such as that boy i went to see in
california, who recently broke into my email, deleted
everything he'd ever sent me, and then sent me another
email to tell me about it and ask for "marks for
resourcefulness.")

honestly, i may turn into dull paul and fake a little
more, fake a little teeny interest in dave matthews
band and steve maddens and maybe i can make the grade.

hmm.

scary. maybe not.

***

in other news, seeing as i am no longer an official
newspaperwoman and, actually, felt a little lost as a
result, i am starting my own little paper. nothing too
big or fancy considering i have almost no money, but
something nice enough with music and art stories, as
well as a featured interview and a poetry and fiction
section in the back.

we'll see how i do. secretly, i think i may only be
doing it just to know my name will appear next to the
title 'editor-in-chief' in a publication other than my
illustrious high school newspaper, the burke beat.

am i narcissistic? is that how the word is spelled?


xo.lou.

=====
www.somewhereinbetween.net

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