Sinister: tired of fighting for a lost cause

[Today I am hungover but cuddly as a bunny anyway]

I want to thank Astrid for recommending Lost Cause, by Beck.  I just spent a 
lot of time listening to it and playing diamond mine on shockwave.com.  It’s 
appropriately sad, so I can cry a lot inside, and keep the outside frozen.

I’ve never not been lonely.  Only fooled myself into thinking I wasn’t from 
time to time.  I’ve never not felt like an alien.  Like what I see in the 
mirror must mutate the instant I turn away, into some grotesque shape that 
reflects what the inside feels like.  External wounds to match the internal.

I torture myself thinking of the possibility of someone pining for me the 
way I do for so many people.  The idea of it breaks me down.  Yet I keep 
thinking about it, while keeping my mouth shut.

The day I took the walk alone in Iceland, I kept seeing broken glass 
everywhere at my feet.  All I could think when I saw it was “I could use 
that to slit my wrists.”  I meant more than I ever have in my life, and I’m 
supposed to be so much better now.  Granted this was low was caused by the 
enormous betrayal perpetrated by the person who calls herself my best 
friend.  I find that the spells of feeling good last longer, but the downs 
are lower.  I feel broken.  Like there’s some crippledness to me that I 
can’t quite see, so it can’t be repaired.  I start to hate all the things I 
like, out of sheer repetition and mockery.  Can’t really like anything, it 
has to be a joke.  Being genuine only opens up for more wounding.  Another 
bruise.  Hang the head a little lower.

The urge to run away has come back.  I don’t need any of this.  I don’t need 
to secure my future.  I just want to be given a new start.  A real one.  I 
want reincarnation.  In the dream I move away without telling anyone, 
because I can’t know anyone anymore.  I fade out and reappear somewhere 
totally separate from what I was before.  Then I just exist.   Get some 
shitty job and live.  That’s all I want really.  That and love.  I’ve always 
wanted that.  I’m utterly crap at getting it though.  I have no idea what 
I’m doing.  I always feel like I’m mentally stumbling.  Yet the confidence 
comes.  When I don’t expect it, it sneaks up on me.  So I suppose I am 
getting better.  Maybe I will never be a sunny person.  More of a sunset and 
sunrise of a girl.

I’m sorry, there’s nowhere else to empty my head.

very much love,
Kara




www2.bc.edu/~brielman




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