Sinister: steal compass/drive north/disappear

[Kevin Hyde]

Hi everyone,

Two things popped into my head last night when I was lying in bed after
finishing up "The Autograph Man"- both of which were totally unrelated to
the book:

Last month, when I was back home, someone said the phrase "twee as fuck" in
a record store in downtown Philadelphia. I've heard this before, but never
really thought about it. If one were to take "____ as fuck" to mean the
maximum, then it brings to mind some sort of limit, like the Limit of Twee
as x -> infinity, or something, like a twee asymptote. That's a little too
mathy for me though, so I guess a better analogy would be along the lines of
a white dwarf star of tweeness (although it's hard for me to imagine what
that would mean- densely precious, I guess). The only other interpretation I
could think of would be "twee as fuck" means like "twee as sex". But unless
your lovemaking regularly involves elements from the Hello Kitty catalogue,
I don't think that's very accurate.

And second-
If the Belle and Sebastian albums were convenience store workers*:

Tigermilk- Younger, has some kind of birthmark on her right ear. Engages in
inscrutable gum-chewing rituals. Seems to like the Go-Go's. Wears a trucker
hat with no pretense at irony. The perfume of loneliness wafts about her.
Has long magenta-colored fingernails featuring depictions of black palm
trees. Wants to become a waitress and move to Boca Raton. Unabashedly flirts
with the regulars.

If You're Feeling Sinister- Totally does not belong there. Has the kind of
unplaceable sexuality you see in certain tall girls. Irretrievably awkward
around customers. Refers to her boyfriend as "my old man". Earnestly
believes in the healing power of aromatherapy. Will tell the story of how
she got her parrot tattoo at the drop of a hat. Told you once that she liked
your mustache.

The Boy with the Arab Strap- The manager, a short and slightly overweight
man. Looks like former military. Nickname is "Chas", first name is Joshua.
Wears his nametag slightly askew. One time accused you of looking at the New
York Times for too long without buying it, and slapped it out of your hands.
Has impeccably styled hair that smells like Old Spice. Needs to get out of
this town, but likes the local high school football team.

Fold Your Hands Child, You Walk Like a Peasant- Elderly woman who, if anyone
asked, would relate the story of how she seduced a Rockefeller into a
backseat sex-fest, eloped with him, and then ended up as a first grade
teacher in Illinois after the marriage was annulled by force and money. But
no one does ask, since she has breath that could kill a bear. Smells like
cat food. Has an unhealthy paranoia about the Pakistani who delivers the
Evian.

*(a la Jeff Johnson from McSweeney's)


Anyway. With regards to Zadie Smith's book, I thought it was excellently
written, and just as funny as White Teeth. The main character did bring up
one thing that I thought was interesting- he spends some of his time
dividing things in the world into that which is 'Jewish' and that which is
'Goyish'. And that made me think that, if one were to apply the same kind of
process to B&S songs, which ones would be "Belle-ish" and which ones would
be "Sebastian-ish"? I suppose the easy way out would be to divide the entire
catalogue along gender-of-singer lines, or possibly along subject matter
lines, but I don't think that works very well.


So. Hope you're all doing well,


Kevin



p.s. the subject line refers to the great song by Set Fire to Flames, a
Montreal based
GY!BE-inbred Alien8 project. I predict that the Constellation-Alien8 axis of
post-rock will continue to dominate the pop charts with their very pretty
packaging and fantastic output.

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