Sinister: The Housewives' Favourite

[robin stout]

When I was a little boy I used to wonder about my name and where it came 
from. My dad had been fostered and all of his family lost at sea, so I was 
possibly going to be the last Stout in the world. That's a great 
responsibility for a five year old to have to carry. If I had fallen over 
and dropped my ice lolly into the stinging nettles and was crying on my 
mother's knee, she would tell me a story about how there was a tiny island 
in the very north of Scotland where everyone was called Stout. That would 
stop me crying; I'd blink at the sky through my tears and think of this 
magical place and my responsibilities. I'd think about all the other Stouts 
on their fishing boats in their mackintoshes and feel close to them. I was 
strong. A melted ice lolly wouldn't upset me.

Well, as I grew up I grew wiser and I decided that my mum's story about the 
wonderful stormy island where we all came from was nothing more than a 
rain-dappled dream. I got distracted by Top Trumps and dinosaurs, pop music 
and the girl at the desk in front of me.

Then, one sunny day a bit like today - well, yesterday, actually - my sister 
phoned me to tell me that the full name of Cameron, the housewives' 
favourite from Big Brother Four, is Cameron Stout! More importantly he comes 
from Orkney and sells fish. As I said, we're a rare breed, so to find one of 
us living on Orkney must be more than a coincidence. I'm starting to think 
my mother might be right. And with his charm that makes Grandmothers swoon 
it only makes sense that we're related. I might have to make a pilgrimage to 
the islands and see if there's a sword in a stone waiting for me.

***

There was a very small mention of Struan in the Independent, in this article 
here: 
http://enjoyment.independent.co.uk/music/features/story.jsp?story=414309 See 
if you can spot it.

Terry mentioned Stuart's Diary. It's great, I agree. A highlight. You know, 
I would have said that the only thing possibly better than Stuart's Diary is 
Robin's Express Delivery, but the Express Delivery has broken down at the 
moment and timewarped back to May for reasons I just can't understand. I 
think I'll have to take the delivery van to the garage.

Anyway, I know some of you don't read Stuart's diary, or forget to, so 
here's the poem he wrote in case you haven't seen it. It's a cracker. (It 
seems the Poetry Parrot has been doing the rounds in Glasgow, lately).

<<

10.06.03: a poem

I'm in love with my therapist

I'm in love with my therapist
She's the only one who understands me!
The only one that never demands of me
Promises, and super-scheduled weekends
Pub gatherings
And so much as the changing of a lightbulb

I'm in love with my minister
She's the only one who sits me down
And preaches to me sensibly
(And not without authority)
She tells the story of her week
And I collapse in warm and grateful reveries
Of understanding

I'm in love with my surroundings
I'll hang them from me like a garland
The streets; action borrowed from other people's lives
'I'll be a freak if you will'
A market of inappropriateness
Greets me at the bottom of my stairs

I'm in love with a love forbidden by men's magazines
A love which comes between a mate and his girl
So I lie low and skulk.
Well, not exactly
The thrill of 'freedom' I'll let ring out a while longer

She's tethered to his side in a pact
Forced by the leaning curves of social compatibility
Sod all that!
I'll take a chance that we're missmatched as hell
But I'm not going to force anything.
I'm going to let fate show its hand
In the longest and most boring game of love poker imaginable

I'm still in love with my therapist though
(SM & MS forever)
Like polar bears and penguins
Her friends and mine will never meet
We stop short of meeting for coffee
We stop short of walking each other home
Stop short of crossing the line
Where lurks the history
The lies and the baggage under eyes
The grim mornings
And the wondering of a latched onto guilt


Stuart

>>

I'm off to give blood now, if they'll take it. Deep breaths.

Robin xxxxx

ps: I'm going to the Stuart M dj set in Nottingham at the weekend, so if 
anyone's around let me know and I'll say hello.

_________________________________________________________________
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