Sinister: beautiful people and the singing sasquatch

[ian]

there was something in the air
that night
the stars were bright.

i was minding my business
lifting some lead off the roof of the holy name church..

no.  not really.

i was riding on city buses, for a hobby.
its sad

okay.  no i wasn't doing that either.

i was wanking and staring at the wall, as usual..  there's just SOMETHING
about that wall... when i saw him, standing there.  creeping up around my
window.

it had been a hard day's night.  i should have been sleeping like a log.
but, like i said, i was otherwise engaged.

well.. as you can imagine, i was shocked.  shocked to my big foundations.

he came in through the bathroom window.  protected by a silver spoon.

i just hadn't got a clue what to do.  so i offered him a cup of herbal tea.
he grunted, and collapsed on the couch.

'sugar?'

'sugar'

(oh no... no sugar tonight..
and no sweetener, either.  i won't have that crap in my house.)

'oh my.  honey?'

'honey'

i took that as a yes, and went to see what he wanted.  i wasn't sure what to
make of the whole thing... i half wondered if it had been a mistake to eat
all that mouldy cheese i found stuck to the back of the cooker.  they say
there are funny little animals that crawl around inside the blue bits of
blue cheese.  perhaps i was hallucinating...they'd crawled out of the cheese
and into my BRAIN.

was i insane.... in the membrane?

probably not.

but something was definitely occuring.  something out of the ordinary.

'it isn't every day you get visited by a yeti.'

another grunt

'sasquatch'

'oh.'

we sat in silence, for a while.  i didn't want to say anything.  i had a
feeling words were very unneccessary - that they could only do harm.
the yeti showed no sign of revealing its origin.  it stared at the
television, seemingly entranced by the game show repeat that flashed
across the screen.

'err.. do you get your kicks watching bruce on the old generation game?'  i
asked.

nothing.  clearly not.
whatever it was here for, i was starting to wish it would do it, and fuck
off.

'look... if there's anything that you want.  if there's anything i can do -'

'SILENCE!'.  he stood up.  i sat down, and said nothing.  its the best thing
to do when you're being menaced by an angry sasquatch.  and i waited:

'please allow me to introduce myself
i'm a man-'

'actually, you're a yeti, which is.  OW!'

like a whirlpool, my head was spinning.  i clutched my head, and decided not
to interrupt him, incase he hit me again.

'- a man
of wealth and taste.
and
i've come to sing you a song.'

'a song to set me free?'

he pulled his Very Angry Face again, and continued

'nobody writes them like they used to...'
and, with that, a deep breath.

a lovely, haunting, almost eerie song.  i held my breath througout, although
the whole thing was a little puzzling..

his voice faded...

'don't forget to catch me
don't forget to catch me
la la la la la'

he handed me a slip of paper, a face i'd seen before.   an Arm-Wavey Hip
Swingy Maraca Shakey Type Of Girl, from the looks of it.
but i still couldn't place her.  and i was still a little puzzled...

'like a WHAT...she moved?
a HARPSICHORDIST?
how does a harpsichordist move?
and what are elvis tears?
are you mad?'

my visitor stood, as if to leave


at LAST.  go on, now, go.  walk out the door.

but he didn't.  he looked at me some more.

i got the feeling he wanted something.. i didn't know what..

'do you want money?  is that what you want?'

apparently not.

'what do you want if you don't want money??'

'a song.  teach me a song.  i walk the earth, my darling, it is my home.
i'm singing in the rain, and when the sun has got his hat on, i'm dancing
with tears in my eyes and i'm lost in music... caught in a trap.'

'no turning back?'
 how sad.  and yet, free.  free, like the bluebird flying high..okay then..
i could do this.  i stood there, for a while, trying to
think what sort of music a yeti would like, and thinking how odd it was that
it had called me darling.
i hoped it wasn't coming on to me.  i hoped it wouldn't try and sex me up
the bum.  i still had a horrible stubble rash from the last time i had sex
with an ape.

i picked my song, quickly, and launched into it..  these are hard times.  i
wanted a good song.  something about reconciliation.  i picked a song by
melanie, called 'beautiful people'.

Beautiful People
You live in the same world as I do
But somehow I never noticed
You before today
I'm ashamed to say

Beautiful people
We share the same back door
And it isn't right
We never met before
But then
We may never meet again
If I weren't afraid you'd laugh at me
I would run and take all your hands
And I'd gather everyone together for a day
And when we gathered
I'll pass buttons out that say
Beautiful people
Then you'd never have to be alone
'Cause there'll always be someone
With the same button on as you
Include him in everything you do.

Beautiful people
You ride the same subway
As I do
every morning
That's got to tell you something
We've got so much in common
I go the same direction that you do
So if you take care of me
Maybe I'll take care of you

Beautiful people
You look like friends of mine
And it's about time
That someone said it here and now
I make a vow that some time, somehow
I'll have a meeting
Invite everyone you know
I'll pass out buttons to
The ones who come to show
Beautiful people
Never have to be alone
'Cause there'll always be someone
With the same button on as you
and you can wear it upside down*
Include him in everything you do
He may be sitting right next to you
He may be beautiful people too
And if you take care of him
Maybe he'll take care of you
And if you take care of him
Maybe I'll take care of you...
cause all of the beautiful people do
and you're all beautiful people too.


blimey... that was good.  i was feeling refreshed, invigorated... and kind
of horny.  i sidled up to my new friend

'do you wanna funk?  won't you tell me now?'

'...'

'if you wanna funk, let me show you how..'

'...'

'...'

'....no.  thank you.  but, no.'

and, with that, the Singing Sasquatch grunted again, and left the house.  i
ran to the door.. i screamed 'don't leave me this way!  i can't exist!!'


too late.  he'd gone.  but i still shouted behind him...
'that's right... bugger off!!  bugger off to thessonaliki and visit dimitra
daisy, for all i care!'

and i went back inside.  wanking and staring at the wall just didn't feel
the same any more.

i sat, and thought about it.  i felt jealous.  a semi-mythical minstrel,
wandering the earth.  he'd never fail like common people, never watch his
life slide out of view

and dance
and drink
and fail to get a screw.


i wondered where he might go next.

i turned on the television
nobody was really saying anything of interest
i fell asleep.


i hope you're happy, you beautiful people.

xx
ian










* this line of the post is made up.  the rest is all true.

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