Sinister: when your legs are black and blue

[Stefano [Steady-State]]

of course, is time to take  a break...

My Dear Sinister

	How does it happen that I always manage to hurt the one I love, when it is far the last thing I´ve ever imagined? Sometime I feel I am dumb or insensible, like floating on cotton cloud, nursing my own little insignificant struggles and not realising how that could hurt the people I care for.
	I wish I were better person. 

	I wonder what is the key for happiness.
		For a lot I though there really was no way, no key to open a door that wasn´t there. Or simply, I wasn´t smart enough to understand which was the key which would have fitted into the slot. There are thing that happened in life and that are under our control. Some others aren´t. Most of them are. I know. 
	But the child is the father of the man, and the past can´t be swept away in a handful. Some things need time. It took time to realise that being loved could really changed someone life. Entirely. I think I´ve always believed that, but wouldn´t admit it. Might be it was something I tried to escape. The was a time when that was for me the L word, like the F or the C word, because I´ve thought it would have never come to me. Or might be I was just envy. Was it all I was?
Might be is when I start to run away. Away from myself and to turn away the once I loved. And know that I know what is the only thing that´s worth for me in my life, the most I try to understand, the most it seems I hurt the people I care for instead. Shall I stop even trying to understand? 
	Can you cancel the past when it means so much for you? 
	Can´t you better cancel the past when you know that you are someway hurting yourself, but, most of all, the ones you don´t really want to? I better should. If I only were able. And just let the memory fading. I hope I´ll learn how. 
	As I said, I wish I were better person.
	One only thing I am sure is that the way to this promise land called happiness, something a had a brief taste of, like the water on a stream in spring, can´t involved storming into someone else´s heart, and take it all that I can take, and walk over someone sentiments and feelings, like picking the most colourful flower in a garden to let then decompose in a crystal jar over my table, and set them in the fire, when they´re done, like have never been there. 
	If this is the way t win the game, then, I´ll rather lose it. And things might go wrong my own way. I´ve gone wrong a long way my own one already. 
	And you can´t stand, unmarked, in the middle of the field and wave your harms and hands in the air, but the other player won´t possibly pass you the ball, because you´re the weaker link, and don´t want to play the other game mainly, then, what´s the point your hands waving and of yourself playing? Isn´t it better to quit the game when you feel like you´re not fit to stay on the pitch? 
Again that´s none else decision but yours, so, no one else to blame. But. Would you give up the things you believe in?

	All my best wished of happiness and everything
	And apologies
	Stefano


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