Sinister: it's really bursting at the seams, absorbing everything, spectrums a to z.

[miss lou]

hello sinister.

jesus.

(note: 'jesus' used in a rather cursing, sinful way,
not to denote an address to the person (person?)
belonging to said moniker.)

anyway.

jesus. i am a drama queen of the worst sort, i
suspect. or, i used to be. 

i'd like to think in some way, during my time away
from sinister or after the separation from old friends
and quasi-lovers i lost some of my likely
characteristic flair for the dramatic. but, reading
some old posts and short-shorts and poems tonight,
followed by some of the new, i realized i probably
haven't changed all that much -- perhaps i've just
figured out some way to cram as much high drama as
possible into a terse line.

maybe it's like learning to dance in a small space.
and i've always liked that idea, really, thinking
about the best way to fully extend yourself in some
height of happiness or, whatever, energy in spite of
the space you are in.

if i ever learn to do that really, truly properly, i
think i will have done something kind of like living.

***

i am to go to california in three weeks now. and i
haven't bought my plane ticket yet.

not that i don't want to go, or can't afford to. i do.
i've just ... put it off.

some of the motive for doing so (though it wasn't
necessarily a motivated delay as much as pure
procrastination) is probably because, over the last
month, i have developed a gi-normous fear of flying.
(which means dancing in small spaces will become
crawling up the walls of said small spaces.)

i've never been on an aeroplane, you see. 

and i know the reason we all fear crashes is because,
really, we think they happen more often than they do
thanks to media coverage. but, thinking about it,
plane crashes are a big (and not so common) news deal.

a friend of mine said this weekend that perhaps i,
like a lot of other people, prefer to travel by car
because, in a sense, i can still feel the ground
beneath my feet.

but if i am going to see a love, perhaps it is better
that my feet do leave the ground, and that my stomach
does float for a while. maybe i can get it out of the
way by the time i get off the plane and into the
sunshine and all that.

encinitas is about twenty minutes from san diego, i
hear. and an hour and a half from los angeles. and
about a half hour from mexico. and where i'll be,
trying to figure out of life is about falling in love
or falling out of it.

maybe it's about both. maybe it's about moving
everywhere in a spsce designed to nowhere (or
everywhere).

whatever the case, i am scared, and taking flight
advice:

board early if possible
chew gum
suck ice
listen to music
write
envision departing plane to waiting arms, etc.
look out window
reserve aisle seat
sleep
relearn the art of crocheting
envision self smoking glorious, satisfying cigarette


yes, i will definitely take that last bit of advice.

without a doubt.


they say california is a black hole --

lou.xo.




=====
www.somewhereinbetween.net

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