Sinister: things YOU should do on 17th march...

[ian]

look, i know reading long e-mails is a bind, and you're a busy person.
so i'll summarise

1. PICNIC 17TH MARCH.  LONDON.  2PM QUITE POSSIBLY IN GREEN PARK
2. TIGERMILKING 17TH MARCH.  LONDON.  UNLIKELY TO BE IN GREEN PARK.
3. BRIGHTON PICNIC 2ND MARCH. BRIGHTON.  NOWHERE NEAR GREEN PARK.

ONE OR MORE OF THE ABOVE EVENTS HAS ALREADY HAPPENED.
PLEASE COME TO THE OTHERS.

------------------------------

anyway, here's the whole, drawn-out affair.  read it, if you don't
have a wall to go and bang your head against.

-------------------------------

i'll keep it short, and to the point, as always.  you know how
succinct i am.  succinct ian, they call me.  which is nice of them,
isn't it?  yes, it is.
so, no fannying around.  straight to the point.  as the buddha once
said ' i would like to hide, high in a tree.  i could be happ-ee.  i
could be happ-ee'.

or something like that.

you know all of that is strangely relevant.  just not to this e-mail,
or to your life in general.

too much talk.  get to the point.  or points

POINT #1

there will be a PICNIC in LONDON on SATURDAY 17TH MARCH.  i think this
picnic will be in GREEN PARK.  this is because GREEN PARK is near
BUCKINGHAM PALACE, and we might get to LOOK AT THE QUEEN whilst we are
SIPPING NONCHALANTLY ON SOPHISTICATED YET EXOTIC BEVERAGES and
CONSUMING AN ARRAY OF FINE FOODS.

if you are not a royalist, come and THROW FOOD AT THE QUEEN, AND THE
GRENADIER GUARDS.  all of whom are forbidden to do anything back to
you.

if you are a crazy, crazy anarchist, come and SWEAR AT THE QUEEN, and
laugh at her inability to stop you scoffing cakes and drinking HARD
LIQUOR right under her nose.

okay, look, the queen thing is a gimmick.  i'm not all that bothered
about her myself.  i used to think she was the symbol of everything
corrupt at the rotting heart of imperialism.  these days, i just think
she's a slightly sad old lady in an expensive frock.  green park just
seemed like a nice place.  we could even meet somewhere completely
different if you prefer.

anyway, i think its in green park.  maybe at 2 PM, because aren't they
always?  i don't know the park very well.  if you do, suggest a
suitable meeting place.  now is your chance to shine.
otherwise, i am going to suggest meeting at the palace, which probably
won't be the best idea.  too many people with instamatic cameras,
pointing and clicking at some blokes in silly hats.

POINT #2

on the NIGHT of SATURDAY 17TH MARCH, there will be TIGERMILKING.
venue likely to be the betsy trotwood, but stay tuned for further
details.  if you have not heard of such a thing before, go HERE, and
try to ignore the fact that there's no mention of saint etienne and
that someone has managed to insert an 'i' into 'yo la tengo'.
http://www.undermybed.org/tigermilking/

you should come.  it will be many nice dancing and drinking, oh yes,
such nice.


which, rather neatly, brings me to

POINT #3

the brighton picnic was very lovely.  no beachy frolicks, sadly, as it
pissed it down.  apparently, this means going on the beach is not a
good idea.

i was a brighton virgin.  now, i am a brighton-slut, eager for any bit
i can get.  the city is lovely, and is made even fairer by the
residence within of the lovely ms Rachel Playforth.  we cheered it up
further with our smiles, and by the end, i'm sure i heard it crying
'stay.....stay.....linger.....'
actually, come to think of it, it could have been
'gay.....gay.....minger.....'

best not to ponder such things too much.

others have already reported, so i'll keep mine brief.

it was nice.
is that too brief?
archel is a true funkateer, and a fantastic hostess.  ken and stefano
got married, robyn educated me about london clubs and liz and rob sang
quiet, secret, and achingly sad songs about the month they spent below
the waves with the mermaids.  the whole pub was enraptured.
particularly the scampi fries.

i sat quietly with my pint and muttered about my corns.

there was more, but some of it must remain secret.


POINT #4

i'm sure there were other things i wanted to discuss.  i can't
remember what they were.  i haven't blasphemed yet, or whispered
naughty thoughts in your ear, but they can wait until the next post.

hell, there were loads of things i should have done tonight.  i
haven't done any of them.
now would be the ideal time to start.
right now.
no more fannying around.

i'll go to skye on my hol-i-dee
i could be happy
i could be happy

that's what the buddha said.  and i wholeheartedly agree.

he didn't fuck about, the buddha.  utterly fuck-free.

what a guy.

xx
ian






ps. DON GILMOUR - I'[VE LOST YOUR ADDRESS, PLEASE GET IN TOUCH!

it aint urgent, or anything, but the WEST MIDLANDS SINISTER MASSIVE
must stay strong.  only this way can we defeat those york-ist
bleeders.


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