Sinister: in the chalet lines...

[Hugo Johan <12813249 at xxx.za>]

dear sinister
 
how are you? i've been a terrible frined, but you're always there, by my heart, and i hope you accept me when i turn to you now...
though i wish i could meet you all, go to picnics, sometimes the distant anonymity of being so far away over here can be comforting, and i'm sorry if i abuse it.
but you've helped so much in the past just by being there, and i need you now too.
i heard this morning that my ex was raped over the weekend. and it really really screwed with me. what makes it worse is that she's treated me so badly this whole year (in fact, i haven't heard from her in months, but she made sure i got this message, even though she didn't phone me herself) - she only seems to think of me when she's in trouble; even when we were going out she paid attention to me when she needed me - when her world was fine i was so much furniture. and it destroyed a lot of me (i'm still recovering)
but i mean, this... i know she's only running to me because there are very few people left (she' got a real gift for alienating people) and i know eventually she'll just discard me like an empty packet, and i'm not sure i can deal with it. what do you do when someone has tried for so long, and in such an ugly way to push you away, and then suddenly really really needs you again?
is that as selfish a way of looking at things... at THIS in particular... as it feels? can you cry for someone until they've sucked you dry, and are you a bad person if you decide not to? or if you don't have the strength? and i don't know what to do anyway - i spent the whole year trying to make her life better, and nothing i did seemed to even register, nevermind be appreciated. what do i do now? 
i'm not asking for advice i guess - maybe i'm looking for reassurance, or absolution, but i hope not: not from you anyway. but i just need to say something, to someone. of course i do speak to my friends, but they all hate her for what she's done to me (and no, not because of what i've said about her - about what they've seen her doing to me) and it feels so unfair: if i do what i think the right thing is to do, i'm going to fall apart again, and they're going to have to deal with me; if i do what  they think i should, and which i know is the best thing for ME, then it means abandoning her when she needs me. there is no right choice i guess - i guess these things just shouldn't happen, to anyone.
and no-one gets anything they deserve, good or bad - no, that's put wrongly: nobody deserves anything that happens to them, either good or bad. the universe is such a f*cked-up random mess of events. the hard part is not lying on the bed you've made... it's learning to lie on the beds life throws your way, of learning not to be unworthy of what happens to you, as deleuze said. i'm just hoping i'll be strong enough
 
and thanks for giving me so much strength already, just for having been, and being there.
love always
JohaN
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