Sinister: A shatterd letter about many things and nothing

Sat Feb 14 20:13:56 GMT 2004

First of all I have been convinced, you are not 45. You are 35. No really, I 
just said so to be mean, because nobody older than 25 wants to be older. So 
this was sort of my unfair revenge.

And also, my name is Johan. Look I made it!
Me: My name is Johan and Im scared of the internet
All: Hi Johan
Well not anymore.

/I think I need a cup of tea, the world keeps burning/
Its a grey version of Stockholm unfolding for my eyes as the darkness flies 
from my side of the earth. Well thats really a poetic lie since the sun 
rises much earlier. Its hard to believe that was this morning (is it 
meaningful to save anything with only one line in it?). Now the big darkness 
has won the battle of our side of the world. Or something.

Have you ever been though the experience of meeting someone you really get 
mad about in school of work after school or work or what ever place you see 
the person, and the person is nice to you, like an ordinary human being. 
Well my conclusion is that is all about masks. Masks that we wear to fit in. 
I notice it very clearly, walking home from school after a hard day being 
angry for some reason, but when I pass a special point its just like some 
one pressed a switch and I start whistling and smiling at that father with 
his baby. This is also an example of a chance of masks. From the angry 
school mask to a happy home one. I do think that everybody have this 
personality disorder in bigger or lesser form. Another may say its just a 
way to fit in with peoples moods, but I want to take it longer than that. 
You see, if I walk by school a Sunday I can get in the same angry mood as 
usual when I am in school, even when I walk alone (sounds like a song title, 
I walk alone, and I guess It probably is). And maybe thats the reason for 
every one in school are so not-nice, because everybody wears their angry 
mask, and you notice this and get angrier, and so on. But what the hell has 
this to do with B&S or the list?

The latter that is. Because it would not be true if I said that the way I 
write like the way I am with my friends. It took a while before I posted, or 
to say so, I had made me a Sinister mask. Well its rather natural, this is 
not the way I am really; this is they way I am when I write, modified with 
the Sinister mask. Well, this way of seeing life has a somewhat scary 
backside. If I always wear a mask, when I am myself? The answer is just as 
scary. Never. Maybe in thoughts. Do you think the same, no matter with who 
you are or where you are? Hard.

Well, it has another connection to Sinister too. I dont really know you. 
Even thou I read some of your most intimate thoughts I dont really know 
you. Its a strange situation, really. Knowing somebody very much but not at 
all.

A well, I think thats enough for today, I will write more tomorrow morning.

Oh, I didnt. I dont remember why, just that I did not do it. It has now 
been like two days and it has been two intensive days. Yesterday I actually 
went skiing, downhill. Even if I had not fallen and landed on my arm, Id 
probably been tired and stiff. And I am. I had a math test today. Its not 
fair really. I get five hours of sleep, ski all day and the next day is a 
math test. Strangely I think I did fairly well. This week and the next one 
are going to be hard. Spanish test on Friday and the Friday after is the 
deadline of another big project and I have not written as much as I would 
have wanted. And thats why you might be reading this on like Friday.
And now I can not write anymore, Im too tired. Ill make it up to you in 
the weekend.
<Later, Saturday, nearly a week later since the first entry>
Reading through my post I agreed with myself that I must confess. The whole 
mask thing was just a sneaky way of presenting one of my own philosophical 
thoughts. I placed it here on test, since I dont really have a place to put 
it. So you became the victim of my thoughts. Hope you didnt mind. It took 
nearly a week to finish this letter. And therefore its a shattered one, 
without any real point or meaning.

By the way, I must thank Astrid for the appreciation of my post. I hope it 
dont get to my head. Well, I never needed anyone to get around the track, 
but
 Oh, sorry.

Also, I must confess; I havent bought Tigermilk yet. I plan to do so 
tomorrow. If youre feeling sinister is now my favourite. But oh, The Boy 
With The Arab Strap, I could have been a brilliant career  the first ten 
second of it makes me freeze and just melt down, down with all my troubles. 
By the way, car stereos are not built for playing B&S. In A space boy dream, 
you heard only the dark drums. I didnt know there where any before I heard 
it in a car. It took about thirty seconds before I fixed the stereo, and now 
it sounds at least ok.

This week has been the hardest for a long time. I have been unable, because 
of that stupid school, to post during the week. I plan to make it up during 
the upcoming vacation, the week after this one coming up.

Ah, well, I think its time to finish this letter.

If you did not like this, I blame my busy week. I really can do better than 
this.

For the first time

Yours

Johan

( I have digest, it takes a while before I see your posts. Maby I should 
change?)

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