Sinister: All those Jehovas in their pullovers they ain't no Casanovas, like you and I

[robin stout]

Okay kids, you asked for it. Here are my TOP TEN BELLE AND SEBASTIANS:

1. Johann Sebastian Bach: During my GCSE music examination we were required 
to listen to pieces of classical music and identify them as Baroque, 
Classical, Romantic or Modern. The Baroque one was by JS Bach. The Modern 
one featured a wind machine. Call this an exam? Kids these days don't know 
they're born etc. etc. yawn yawn. JS Bach is famous for writing the theme 
music for The Antiques Roadshow, a Rock Opera featuring Hugh Scully as the 
Electric Gymnast.

2. La Belle Epoch: During which the French invented the bicycle, the beret, 
the stripey jumper and the stupidly long loaf of bread. Before these 
extraordinary advances, France had merely been known as "South Belgium".

3. John Sebastian: Lead singer with the Lovin' Spoonful, John was also the 
inventor of the Troob pedal, designed to make your guitar "sound like a 
baby".

4. Saint Sebastian: And Lo! he was attacked by arrowse, but he was okay cos 
he was a saint. Or perhaps he was Batfink in disguise. Ah, they never 
thought of that did they? The whole of world religion perishes before my 
keen mind.

5. Belle the big soggy dog: In the television programme "Belle and 
Sebastian", Belle was a big soggy dog and Sebastian was a humble accountant, 
trying to balance the books while Belle nibbled on his biros and shat in his 
bottom drawer. The name "Belle and Sebastian" was later adopted by a pop 
group, who used to do much the same thing.

6. Sebastian Coe: When I was young I used to get confused between Sebastian 
Coe, Linford Christie and Steve Cramps, because my sister had told me "oh, 
Sebastian Coe's the one with the yellow shoes. It took me ages to realise 
they *all* had yellow shoes. Sebastian Coe is now a Lord. If you're ever in 
Westminster, he's the one wearing the yellow shoes.

7. Belle de Jour: A film in which we get to see Catherine Deneuve's lovely 
bottom. I can't remember much else about it, really.

8. Mini Baby Bel: Official cheese of Captain Scott's expedition to the South 
Pole, the Mini Baby Bel has the advantage of being able to be used as a 
candle due to it being mostly composed from wax. Of course, Scott hadn't 
banked on cheese being the favourite food of the Husky dog, thus causing 
catastrophe after his dogs scoffed the lot then ran about sniffing each 
other's bottoms. Thus the expedition was DOOMED, as the only food left was 
cream crackers, rendered inedible due to the lack of cheese.

9. Sebastian Forks: An author who wrote a book called Birdsong about a 
sparrow who loses his hat and sings a sad sad song.

10. Bell End: Situated near to that wonderful town of Kidderminster, this 
village provided a popular destination for girls at my school who often 
confessed to going down there at the weekend. If the girl's boyfriend was 
lucky, she might take him on a short trip to Lickey End. See: 
http://www.multimap.com/map/browse.cgi?client=public&X=390000.794068583&Y=275000.6804016&width=500&height=300&gride=&gridn=&srec=0&coordsys=gb&db=freegaz&addr1=&addr2=&addr3=&pc=&advanced=&local=&localinfosel=&kw=&inmap=&table=&ovtype=&zm=0&scale=100000&right.x=6&right.y=97

Well, that's enough of that. I'm off to put my red underpants in the wash.

Toodle-oo

Robin x

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