Sinister: If you're feeling sinister, try posting

[Joan of Dark]

So here we go again…

How do I start? Where from?

Tracing reluctantly a path I haven’t dared to tread for quite some time. 
More than 3 years if memory doesn’t fail me, after which, here I am. Urged 
to put letters together, words in a string, somehow construct sentences out 
of this senselessness and help myself come through.

My fingers trying to figure out the steps of this dance on the keyboard.

I had burnt the map. I had broken the compass. I thought I remembered the 
way to posting by heart. We’ll see that.

It’s been really three years. Three years since that last suicidal post I 
wrote to sinister and then went offline and slit my wrists. I’ve recovered 
since then. Even the scars are hardly discernable any more. I received some 
incredibly supporting emails by people all over the Sinister world. Proving 
once more the wonder of this list, binding us together.  I never was your 
average poster. Oscillating between severe depression and outbursts of 
inexplicable euphoria, I used to pester the list with long, pointless –to 
most- stories with no (actual) content whatsoever. Drama queen or just a 
teenager with issues?

Three years of utter silence from my side. Little by little the list got 
rather quiet too. Disturbingly so, lately I would say.

But Sinister was and is a part of my life. A wor(l)d with which I can –even 
vaguely- identify myself with. A word that made me something else, something 
different, took me out of the crowd in its own unique, 
secret-code-sort-of-way… Like during that Belle and Sebastian show in Athens 
when I shouted during a pause between songs something about how Sinister was 
represented that night as well and Stuart (looking rather amazed) asked from 
the stage “Who said that?” … “Me!” I shouted back… “Are you on Sinister?” he 
asked back… “Yeah!” I said, already getting some strange looks by all the 
other people around me. “Where are you from?” was the next question… 
“Athens!”, “That’s great! Who would believe it that Sinister would spread so 
much!” (or so) he said as they got ready for the next song. We had the 
chance to catch up backstage later on so I would explain to him all the 
magic and wonder of this list.

Despite all the silence, I didn’t unsubscribe. I belong to the old 
generation of Sinisterines and this is a very precious title to let go of. I 
remember times when I would log in 4 times a day just to check my inbox 
which was full of sinister posts. Do you remember those times too? Times 
where I didn’t dare to go on holidays and leave my email unattended… It 
would overflow with all those emails from all of you.

Beautiful times. About picnics, body parts photos, sillustrations, tape 
trees, Christmas swaps, #sinister, custard biscuits, poetry parrots, list 
crushes (check appropriate subpage – rather outdated but it can get going 
once more), a temporary obsession over whether the girl in the photo of St. 
Lucy was a real girl on this list or just a prank, list abusers that we all 
fought against united (who remembers this creepy gal “Isabel Lark” and how 
she personally attacked Honey? – her photo is still up in the photo page) 
etc etc etc….

Sinister was also the reason why some of the most wonderful people I have 
ever met came into my life….
First of all: Honey. I still have this hand painted “princess” portrait of 
her which never made it to the post office. You still are still hiding 
somewhere behind my ear, blushing as I’m getting nasty with boys….
Brier Random: Where is this guy? Last time I heard of him he had girl 
troubles, he was riding his vespa down the Santa Barbara streets, chilling 
in Butterfly beach….
Stacey Dahling: Words fail me. It was a great time. From the first day to 
the last. I still owe you some mix cds, I haven’t forgotten. The tunes never 
seem good enough though and I always change my mind trying to perfect them… 
Which results to constant postponement. And some recipes as well!
Jules Markham: the first post that I ever received from sinister was from 
this amazing girl. I went and disappeared because of a burnt computer 
screen. If you’re reading this Jules I’m so sorry. I’ll get back to you 
soon. I promise.
Matt, Johnny, Christiaan, Will, Paul, Ulla and so many more….

We’re entering a new era here. I think I can almost feel it. Heck… this is 
not your ordinary mailing list. It is a list that HAS TO DO with Belle and 
Sebastian but is not ABOUT them. B&S are the framework but the list itself 
is like the music that it stands for: “subtle as the wind is gray”

It’s had its ups. Its definite ups, and its inevitable downs. But we’re not 
gonna let it go down. Are we? Oh please promise me that we’ll try….

There’s such a big part of this big, communal “US” made out of all those 
small individual “MEs”  hidden in the perfumed, pink parlours of Princess 
Honey that my heart sags when I think that one day it might cease to exist. 
And worse of all, because of our own negligence….

To me, if music was a living entity, Sinister would be something like her 
everyday life. Her friends and penfriends. Her passions. Her long distance 
lovers. Her broken, but mended heart. Her problems. Her good times. Her 
-wild-  times. She’s never settled. I hope she never will. She knows how to 
move on when she has to. This Music, this List. Sinister.

Enjoy your picnics! Happy Birthday!



Joanna


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