Sinister: ...I've Been There and Back Again

[Krister Bladh]

Hullo sinister.

So here is finally my long-postponed post. I can’t say that I’m disappointed with the year as a whole, though I’m now almost back to the miserable state I was in a year ago. So what happened in-between?
I always used to wonder how I would survive the winter, and a year ago it was worse than ever. I was still in school (don’t know what it’s called in England, but whatever it is you go to before collage/university) and I disdained the place. I’ve never had many friends and much less a girlfriend. But somehow I managed to pull through and summer came and I graduated. I was hoping things would change. In the summer the days are light as feathers and I was anxious for what would come next. I was going to study musicology at the university in a city nearby. And the first day there didn’t let me down.
There was a girl there that I had spoken with briefly at a festival that summer. How big are the odds for that? I couldn’t help but wonder if it was fate. I talked with her quite a lot afterwards and it turned out she liked exactly the same music as me. And I thought: at last a girl who can just be my friend, and I was sure I wasn’t going to fuck it up and fall in love with her. But I had to reconsider soon. Just a couple of weeks later I wrote a song about it. I predicted I would fall for her as soon as the leaves would start falling in autumn. And I was right. In fact every song I’ve written since I met her has got something to do with her.
Wait, it hasn’t all been about her. There were lots of nice people in my class. I was half in love with several girls. I also joined a program at the student radio that plays indie music. There I met some lovely people too. And on Fridays night I would go to a student’s club and watch indie bands and dance. The day Pipas came here was the best day I’ve had for years. Now I could look all the indie hipsters, who either had a band or did something else to make them ‘important’, in the eye and think that I wasn’t just a nobody.
And all the other days it would be enough just talking to Lisa (that’s her name, by the way). But it wasn’t always easy and I needed to know how to proceed. So as a Christmas gift I gave her a mixed cd with the song I’d written on it. But it was already too late. The last day I saw her before the holidays, as we hugged and parted, I had already fallen in love (although I knew I shouldn’t). So when I called her later and she didn’t want to meet – I cried. That was all the answer I needed to know that she’ll never love me. Suddenly I was back at the bottom, but the worst thing was to find out I’d never really been at the surface. I just feel so stupid for being happy these last six months. And now I don’t know what to do or feel at all. My life is still promising I guess, but it’s going to be so hard to look her in the eye and still I need her to be my best friend. 
So I’m back where I was six months ago, and I shouldn’t be sad. I’m writing my fanzine too. I hope she will write something for it


love,
Chris xx
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