Sinister: Amy

[honey at xxx.org]

I know Danny will know all this, as he's heard from me separately,
but I always feel it's so important to mark time and loss, and
Sinister seems to be being hurt badly recently, with the loss of two
lovely people.  I knew Amy through the list of course, and through
the #sinister chatroom in Sinister's "Amy years" of 2001 and 2002 and
she just was a joy: always a lightning bundle of fizzing energy, and
so inclusive and kind to all.  She was the only Sinister member who
apparently made up poems about me in her head while shaving her legs.
I never got to hear one, sadly.  I don't know what to say without
making it sound like an elegy, but, as with Liz, I just feel such an
urge to call out to them that they'll not be forgotten.

Like Danny and James, I've long ago dropped my fierce teenage clinging
to religious belief as a way through, and am still to come to terms
with a world where people disappearing makes any sense.  Yet, as with
everyone who dies, it feels like such a cruel thing to use the past
tense and I always pull back from it, as if it's bad grammar or just
nonsensical.  I still talk and think of my mum in the present, and
she was gone before Sinister was even born.  I wish she'd been here
to meet you all (she'd have loved everything about this list), and
I'm sure she'd have mailed you all more frequently than me.  Maybe my
intuition's trying to tell me something: regardless, there's a candle
lit today by my bed, it smells sweet and gentle and it's for you, Amy.
Cardamon and orange, if you need to know.

Danny, I can tell already from our mails and hearing from your elsewhere
that you're strong enough to get through this: or not through, but with
this.  To all those who knew and loved Amy much better than me, love
love.

Honey
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