dear sinister,

well, i feel as if there is this void in me, smothering me in idleness.  but i am not too sure if i don't like it or not..

sometimes it can take a turn for the worse, where you don't want to do anything but cry, or even if you want to you physically can't because your sadness takes every drop of life from you.

or there is other times, like just now, where you just want to sit back and relax on a deck-chair with a hat shielding your eyes from the sun and smiling to yourself. i would do this, if it wasn't for the rather cold conditions outside.

the sun is shining on the loch, and has been for most of this year, because there hasn't been any clouds covering the skies up here for quite a while. so i am content with a cup of tea in my hands, staring out the window and down onto the water. i tend to sigh quite a lot during these times too, at the thought of how all this amazing scenery can never be shared with someone else..

well, my birthday is on friday, making me big & 16. i'll be not-so-ickle , but ickle enough to  still enjoy being wee & young & innocent. 

my father will probably take me round to my darling sister's house for the evening, which means i won't be able to do anything else to celebrate.  which doesn't bother me at all; families are grate and they shouldn't be taken for granted, especially after divorce tears it apart and complicates things with all its 'why can't things be just as they were before?' anguish & confusion.  remorse too, thinking that you could have tried better to make your parents love each other more..

to celebrate being 16, i think i'll take a long walk up a hill on saturday.  just me, my warmest clothes, and a flask of lentil soup.  in my opinion, nothing is comparable to the sound of nothing but the breeze on the trees and watching a wee burn trickling down the slope.

there is always one thing i feel when i wander through the countryside is that you never feel as if you are getting the true beauty that can be offered. like there's always this little bitty more smashingness that given to us.  like how you always want your wedding day to be the most complete day ever, but when you go to other weddings there is always a certain something missing.  in david eddings' belgariad, there is the complete wedding, where you can imagine the beautiful music being played and the orb shining, and how i've cried more at that book than at any real wedding..

*sniff*

city dwellers might get to see all the cool people from all the grate bands, but at this moment i couldn't care less because i have the most beautiful view outside. 

johnjohn
   x

oh,i think i'll add the sun is already starting to set, leaving an faint yellowey/orange band across the whole horizon..

*sigh*



_______________________________________________________________________
FSmail - Get your free web-based email from Freeserve: www.fsmail.net




+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
    +---+  Brought to you by the undead Sinister mailing list  +---+
    To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe
    send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to
    majordomo@missprint.org.  WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister
 +-+  "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "tech-heads and students"  +-+
 +-+  "the cardie wearing biscuit nibbling belle & sebastian list"  +-+
 +-+       "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper        +-+
 +-+   "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000   +-+
 +-+       "peculiarly deranged fanbase" "frighteningly named       +-+
 +-+           Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000           +-+
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+

