i said i wouldn;t post but now i am, because i've just been crying over something beautiful that christa wrote, and i'm freezing and i have been wiping my eyes on the wine colored nightgown, and i'm feeling very puzzled about myself. so here i go, putting on the brave face again. tears of a clown blah blah, thats my life, i'm a sad cliche. i'm sorry my last post was so negative, but then again i'm not, cos i felt that way when i wrote it. i just wanted to make it clear that i'm not the dippy ninny i'm sure i appear to be to some individuals, no names cos i dont' know you, i'm just sure that you are out there. but here it is. i like to laugh and i assume that others do as well, so i felt accepted here and have met so many wonderful ones that i wouldn't dream of leaving unelss it was absolutely painful to remain. this isn't making any sense. wait a minute. i go on about stupid things sometimes. you have to understand that whenever i am crying and i feel my life is in a shambles, i watch tapes of mystery science theater over and over again, cos it's the only thing that makes it go away. i'm NOT an obsessed maniac who thinks people in a band are superhuman and who worships them like gods. it just happens that there are pivotal things in my mind right now and the music of *aforementioned* happens to coincide and aid in defining this, whatever changes i feel i am going through. My trip to DC to see them was a revelation. and not just the concert part, or because isobel was hot, or stuart was a cutie, whatever the hell. it was a lot more than that. it was being with a true friend who really understands what i feel, and beign able to cry together because stars of track and field was so fucking incredibly gorgeous, and seeing the chances and symmetry that fate unfolded upon us like a mystery. it was finding beauty and inspiration in a pretty girl and feeling for once the feelings that i thought had died in me, out of bitter betrayal and disappointment. it was romance with being alive and loving and swallowing every minute that was put before us, and finding the magic in all of this, and sharing in some beautiful words that just happened to be created by members of the human race named belle and sebastian. the soundtrack of my life at critical moments. you have to understand that when i hear isobel's voice it gives me goosebumps. no sure, it's weak, sure it's girly, sure it's small, but it's something that makes me smile for one more day and maybe cry once in a while, moments captured that are priceless to me. maybe i express it a little bit strangely sometimes. i can't help that i have the urge to create ridiculous things and say stranger things but it is more than that. It's not ONLY this or that, it's not surface obsession, it's something way beyond this. can i help it if i want to be happy for once in my life, just laugh adn not care about appearances?? with people who enjoy and understand some of the same things? that's why i am here. i know i'm relatively new but for once i felt welcomed like i could walk into a neighborhood pub and have people yell out my name, and laugh with me, and not at me-- which is what i have been used to. so i'm sorry if i got a little bent out of shape. it's not only that, and it's not only what *soandso* said, whoever that may be. it's just me and i get emotional and don't know how to deal with things that people say. so i'm sorry for furthering the nonsense. like someone was saying to me, it's like arguing with real life friends, it's so real. maybe i am sad and lonely. so. i just try the best i can. and i can admit if i've made a mistake. if i've overstepped my bounds i can step back and grant you that admission. i just wanted to say exactly what i am feeling and cut away from the anger and the nonsense and the knee jerk reactions that happen when i am embarrassed or upset. if you didnt' care what i had to say, then i apologize for clogging up your mailbox, you can just delete me if you'd like, it's your prerogative god knows. i just wanted to explain why i was so upset about whatever it was that happened, i'm not even trying to remember what it was. just that i hate to be misunderstood as some sort of pathetic tired jester, when there is so much more to what motivates me and all of us here. i'm not asking for a pat on the head or for anyone to censor their ideas for little me andmy inflated ego. i just wanted to put forth the reasons that i feel that way. because sometimes when i hear "belle and sebastian" i just burst into tears, because it makes me fear for how i'm goign to end up someday, adn i feel just like poor sebastian, the girl he adores is a glamor queen and there are tons of better boys lining up at her feet, and she's so caught up in it she barely seems to realize that he's falling apart for her sake, and there doestn' seem to be much left to do but crash the car, what is there to lose?? so in the meanwhile, i try to laugh. because it's all i can do and it comforts me ever so much, i'm caught between the ridiculous and the heartbreaking, perpetually. it's all that i can say. apologies for anyone who was bored by this. i'm not going away i'm just cooling off. rightfully or not, i felt like a little girl who has had her lego castle kicked over by a big boy. and reacted accordingly. the blame is on me for that much. hugsxxxto archel, well what did you expect, everyone loves to be cuddled now and then and i'm no exception, i'll admit i'm soft and longing for strokes, i'm human after all. extra love to everyone, we'll need it for the holiday, and dont' fear please that the world is going down, its' just having growing pains you must understand, humans dont' take easily to change, adn change is what is going on, not destruction. there has been war for thousands of years. if only we can start to change the way people think. war is so pointless. why do people argue about possessions and history? history is dead. look at us, were'r living all over the world adn we are united by the love of wonderful music. there is nothing to fear when you realize the mistakes that have been made, were all senseless and can be unlearned in you and me. xxxxtra love to bunnies and kittens and dapper gentlemen with polite manners, and to the shiny apple posse which in time will plaster the next century with messages of love and gifts for lonely souls. twee, sensitive, cheesy, idiotic, bashful, naive, cliched, faux-mystical, admitted. but we must keep on living. if we all worried about not being Hip enough, we may as well all crash our cars, so BOO! to mean hipsters. very humbly yours lesleyjo "he is my friend cos he is the trend/i love my boyfriend" +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list please mail "sinister@majordomo.net". 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