Helloooooo Sinister! The fall weather lately in Southern California is GORGEOUS! It's still very summer-like, but the difference is that the temperature has been *perfect* in the heat of the afternoon. Not too hot, but warm enough to not need a sweater. The other day there were brown leaves blowing on the ground everywhere, I could smell the stale eucalyptus, and the sunlight was so golden and slanty that it was practically neon. �The sky seemed like it was powdered in on velvet. As the sun sank, the marine layer drifted in from the coast and created a filter that made the sunset easier to catch a glimpse of. The swirls of gray fog along the bottom of the blushing pink skyline greedily swallowed up the hovering copper disk, like waves lapping over some beautiful jewel glowing in the ocean. I like to fantasise sometimes that the sky is really the ocean and the ocean is really the sky, but my head starts spinning and then I wish I were somersaulting down the grassy hills in the park by my parents' house and feeling the itch of the grass down my back, so much like the tags on the new clothes my mother would dress me in every fall... I love this season, but it somehow always makes me sad, like it does many of you. I notice that a lot of major shifts happen in my life in the autumn, so that could have more to do with it than the weather. The weather makes me happy. The weather makes me feel like I know what it's like to be in love. On the subject of love, true love, hope for love, disbelief in love, etc... I think that I used to be a cynic when it comes to love, but now that I'm older I have a new perspective on it. I think when I was younger I thought about love as being an everlasting state that was of mythical preportions. But now I think that people fall in love when they are ready for it and they meet the right person. But I think that love comes and goes and sometimes because you love somebody, it doesn't mean that you won't make stupid choices or decisions that won't hurt each other, hopefully not consciously. Sometimes you break up because of life choices, not because you don't love someone. Sometimes you make these choices because your love for that other person doesn't outweigh what you need to do for yourself. And what they need to do for themselves doesn't match your needs. It's a lot of work and you make yourself extremely vulnerable. But along with love comes trust so you can feel comforted in the knowledge that you both will understand each other and know each other more intimately than anyone else. I am not in love. I don't love myself most of the time, and I think that is a big factor in finding love. And I don't think it's possible to love somebody when you don't make room for it and if you don't find someone who has made room to love you, too. I thought of this the other night whilst driving home from Hollywood. The Faint concert was sold out, but I didn't mind because I took the long way home and listened to my tape of unrequited and sad love songs. it was so peaceful to follow the curves of Sunset Blvd through Bel-air and Beverly, up past UCLA and around bend after bend, just driving and thinking. Singing harmonies along to "There is a Light that Never Goes Out" by the Smiths. Pressing my arm up against the glass and feeling it's coolness dissipated by the heat of my body. "Simple Things" by our beloved B&S...said everything and more. I sang out because it's not too late, I had nowhere to be and "Talk Show Host" by Radiohead just melted away everything and my life was beautiful again... I could make room for love, I think. I hope I feel this way tomorrow. I'm going to post again then. Just a warning! Love to you all, Rachel fruitloop __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? NEW from Yahoo! GeoCities - quick and easy web site hosting, just $8.95/month. http://geocities.yahoo.com/ps/info1 +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+